-iampabloeh-

01/14/12 pic of the day

2012-01-14T11:19:00.001-06:00

Chloe @the walker. Minneapolis.

01/06/12 pic of the day

2012-01-06T12:13:00.002-06:00

Moon roof open in Minnesota on January 6th. Not...bad.

01/04/12 pic of the day

2012-01-04T19:38:00.002-06:00

Chloe. Pretending to be an angel. Children's Science Museum. Saint Paul.

01/01/12 pic of the day

2012-01-01T20:23:00.001-06:00

Lunch with Chloe. Saint Paul taco johns.

12/31/11 pic of the day

2011-12-31T18:20:00.001-06:00

Short road trip.

Happy new year all!

12/30/11 pic(s) of the day

2011-12-30T14:25:00.001-06:00

Science Museum of Minnesota. St Paul.

12/29/11 pic of the day

2011-12-29T11:31:00.002-06:00

Chloe. Dolphins. MN Zoo.

12/28/11 pic of the day

2011-12-28T20:09:00.001-06:00

how to play "Screaming Infidelities" by dashboard confessional

2011-08-23T17:10:00.003-05:00

Ok...the hardest part of this song is the tuning. Its in an open D flat tuning. every string is a D flat except for the A string which is tuned down a half step to an A flat. so...tune your low E string down to a D flat. your A string down to an A flat. your D string down to a D flat. your g string down to a D flat. your b string UP to a D flat. and your high E string down to a D flat. (note that all the strings are tuned down EXCEPT for the B string...tune that UP to a D flat...if youre gonna break a string tuning, its probably going to be that one. :))

again, ive included a video showing me playing along (shot on my phone so forgive the quality.).. the tab is chords only, you're on your own with the strumming patterns. verses are pretty easy...the chorus gets a little quick with the chord changes.

Verses

--5---4-    --0---0-   --5---4-    --0---2--    ---2--
--0---0-    --0---0- --0---0-    --0---0--    ---0--
--0---0-   --0---0-    --0---0-    --0---0--    ---0--
--5---4-   --0---0-   --0---0-    --0---0--    ---0--
--0---0-   --2---3-    --0---0-    --4---2--    ---1--
---------   ---------   --5---4-    ----------    -------

Choruses

--4--5--7---7--5--4-    -7----7-5--4
--0--0--0---0--0--0-    -0----0-0--0
--0--0--0---0--0--0-    -0----0-0--0
--0--0--0---0--0--0-    -0----0-0--0
--0--0--0---0--0--0-    -7----7-0--0
----------------------    ---------------

--2---4--   --5----5--4--0--
--0---0--   --0----0--0--0--
--0---0--   --0----0--0--0--
--0---0--   --0----0--0--0--
--2---2--   --0----0-----0--
----------   --5----5-----0--

--2---4--   --7-----
--0---0--   --0-----
--0---0--   --0-----
--0---0--   --0-----
--2---2--   --7-----
----------   ---------

End (your hair is everywhere...)
--4--5--2--5--
--0--0--2--0--
--0--0--2--0--
--4--5--2--0--
--0--0--2--0--
---------2--5--

End
--5--4--
--0--0--
--0--0--
--5--4--
--0--0--
---------

-prayer-

2011-07-18T16:20:00.001-05:00

friday July 1st i drove myself to work in the used VW passat i had just paid thousands in cash for 3weeks before. i do not make a lot of money. spending thousands on a car for me is a big deal. its an investment. its a risk. as i pulled into the parking lot at work that morning the vehicle killed. i managed to roll about 40 or 50 feet into a parking spot and put in park. i turned the key. it would not start, and it made a sound ive never heard before. it didnt sound like a starter problem. it didnt sound like an alternator problem. so what was it?

i called to have the passat (i now have a new name for the car...i can not repeat the name here) towed to a mechanic. the tow truck driver asked me to try to start it. he heard the same noise i heard and he made a sick looking face. "oh no...thats no good", he said. "what do you think it is?" i asked. "definitely the timing belt." he was sure of it. i dont know a ton about cars. but i know enough to know that a timing belt isnt that expensive of a part, but its a big job. minimum, im looking at 500 to 1000 to change the belt. the fear: when a timing belt breaks it can do major damage to the engine pistons. if thats the case you can expect to pay 3000 or even more to rebuild the engine..or buy a used one.

happy times are ahead. im getting married in less than a year. i can not have a 3000 dollar car repair right now. i NEED to save money.

i was raised in a family where everyone believes in god in one way or another. so i was taught very early to pray. i will admit that as life has gone on ive lost quite a bit of faith in prayer. i have far too many personal experiences of me praying...and the exact opposite happening. that feels like a pretty big slap in the face. i can also look at history, mainly world war 2, and wonder what the heck the point is if crap like that is just going to happen anyway. an "all loving, all powerful" god seriously let THAT happen to his "chosen people"?!?!?! seriously?! i have to imagine there were BILLIONS of prayers going out at that time. billions of desperate prayers, if not more.

anyways...friday July 1st. i sit in the lot watching my car roll away behind the tow truck. so many possibilities going throuh my head. so i take a minute. i pray. i pray that its minor. and i pray that its cheap. and i pray that its quick. fast forward to today. monday july 18. here i sit. i still dont have my car back. its not done yet. so, it has not been quick. it was the timing belt. all the pistons were bent to hell. so, it was not minor. im looking at a 3000 bill when i finally pick it up. obviously it is not cheap.

dont get me wrong. this is not a "poor paul" pity party. this stuff happens. it happens to different people at different times. i have so much in life to be happy about. BUT...what im asking is this...why pray? why? the timing belt was broken as the car was being towed away. did i really believe that god was going to reach down and fix it? is god going to reach down and change the bill to something a little more affordable? none of this is going to happen no matter how much i pray. whats done is done. i am at the mercy of chance and circumstance. the starving children in africa are just born into starvation. chance and circumstance are in control. driving by a homeless man and praying for him will leave him there begging on a street corner. i can help him...or not help him. too many times i think we ask god to do something for us...and because we dont act, no one is helped. it seems sad to me that people all thoughout the world and all throughout history have desperately needed help but have not recieved help. many well intentioned people may have prayed...but no one acted. people suffered and died because of this.

wow...a broken timing belt and im talking about the holocaust and the starving children of africa. theres a little sample of how my brain works at times. but, i am being serious...do you really believe that there is a god somewhere who listens to and answers our prayers? or are we just at the mercy of chance? i used to believe that god listened and answered prayer. but im wondering if i believed that because i was a kid who didnt yet know what kind of things really happen in life. as i get older i find myself praying less...and i find myself less surprised when the opposite happens.

the bad news: i miss that feeling of faith. the possibility of magic. the hope of something larger than me caring enough to help me out.

the good news: maybe this is reason to act more, and wish less??

an add on: ive seen too many people (myself included) make dumb decision after dumb decision which of course leads to negative consequence after negative consequence and then turn around and pray for help. or better yet, blame god for the negative consequence. some of these people were very close to me...and very important to me. i prayed for some of them for years. but...whats the point of praying for someone if theyre choosing theire own fate? ive prayed for the same person for 5 years, 10 years, 15 years, etc...no change in their life for the better. why? because they still make the same decisions. so again, why pray? if unanswered prayer destroys faith, i dont understand the point of praying at all.

how to play butterfly by weezer

2011-07-16T11:49:00.007-05:00

weezer- Butterfly Tab

ok, ive never done this before. but, im bored. so why not? here is butterfly by weezer...just a warning...im lazy with tab. so i will give you chords and fills and all...but i am not doing full strumming patterns and all with the tab. thats just way too much work. so, you can listen and figure that out on your own. :) at this point im assuming that all of you play guitar...and that you all really wanna play this song. and that you all know how to read tab. these are all accurate assumptions. also...the video was shot on my phone..so forgive the quailty. well, forgive it... (also forgive my spelling of quality)

ok...first off, tune your guitar down a half step.

(verse)

G     Em      C       D        G      Em     C
--3-----3-----0-----0-     --3-----3------------0-------------------
--3-----3-----1-----3-     --3-----3----------------3--1--0------0-
--0-----0-----0-----2-     --0-----0---------0---------0------2----
--0-----2-----2-----0-     --0-----2-----2-------------2------------
--x-----2-----3-----0-     --x-----2-----3-------------3------------
--3-----0-----x-----x-     --3-----0---------------------------------

   G      Em     C      D         G     Em     C                       Am                     D
--3-----3-----0-----0-     --3-----3--------------0------------------------0-
--3-----3-----1-----3-     --3-----3------------------3---1--0------0---- 3-
--0-----0-----0-----2-     --0-----0----------0-----------2------2--------2-
--0-----2-----2-----0-     --0-----2-----2----------------2----------------0-
--x-----2-----3-----0-     --x-----2-----3----------------0----------------0-
--3-----0-----x-----x-     --3-----0------------------------------------------

(Chorus)

  G       Em              D         G                C      D
--3-----3-----3-----0-     --3-----1-----0-----3--2-------0-
--3-----3-----1-----3-     --3-----0-----1-----3------3------
--0-----0-----0-----2-     --0-----0-----0-----2-------------
--0-----2-----2-----0-     --0-----0-----2-----0-------------
--x-----2-----0-----0-     --x-----2-----3-----0-------------
--3-----0--------------     --3--------------------------------

   G      Em   (strum this chord for awhile into verse #2
--3-----3-----3-------------------------
--3-----3-----1-------------------------
--0-----0-----0-------------------------
--0-----2-----2-------------------------
--x-----2-----0---------------------------
--3-----0----------------------------------

(repeat verse for verse 2)

(repeat chorus for chorus #2- hold last chord out a little longer)

(bridge) ("i told you i would return when no robin...)

G       Em     C      D        G       Em    C
--3-----3-----0-----0-     --3-----3---------------0----------------------
--3-----3-----1-----3-     --3-----3--------------------3----1----0----0-
--0-----0-----0-----2-     --0-----0----------0--------------0-------2---
--0-----2-----2-----0-     --0-----2-----2-------------------2------------
--x-----2-----3-----0-     --x-----2-----3-------------------3------------
--3-----0--------------     --3-----0---------------------------------------

(End)      (i'm sorry...)

   G              G              Em            C                            G
--3----------3----------3--------------------------------3-
--3----------3----------3----------0---------------------3-
--0----------0----------0----------0----------2--0------0-
--0----------0----------2----------2---------------------0-
--x----------x----------2----------3---------------------x-
--3----------3----------0----------0---------------------3-

1 year away!

2011-07-13T12:26:00.001-05:00

I'm usually not a huge fan of Facebook/blog pda, but...this is a pretty big deal. Right? Exactly one year from today on Ruby Beach on the Pacific Ocean in Washington State I get to marry this amazing, beautiful girl. And yeah, I'm feeling pretty lucky right now.

Ok. No more pda. Ick. And...I apologize. :)

-daisy-

2011-07-11T18:03:00.001-05:00

"well if i take all these things and i bury them fast

and i pray that they turn to seeds, to roots and then grass

it'd be alright. its alright. it'd be easier that way.

or if the sky opened up and started pouring rain

like you knew He was trying to start things over again

it'd be alright. its alright. it'd be easier that way."

the sunburn update

2011-07-09T10:01:00.001-05:00

The pain has been replaced with a constant itch. And I appear to be peeling away 23 lbs of flesh. That should be fine. Right? Seriously, I am never ever again removing my man blouse in the sun. Awful idea for pasty whites. Awful.

more 1st pitch pix

2011-07-08T10:14:00.001-05:00

burn de sun

2011-07-03T19:43:00.001-05:00

No, no...it feels fine. It's fine.

first pitch for pablo

2011-07-02T22:58:00.001-05:00

Threw out the first pitch at tonights Twins game! Thanks so much to Missy for lining this up. And thanks to Ross for being there and taking pictures. And thanks to Chloe for waving at me from the seats.

MILLER PARK

2011-06-25T18:22:00.001-05:00

Miller Park, Milwaukee. We are sitting on the roof. Well, close to it.

Milwaukee

2011-06-25T15:06:00.001-05:00

Missy and I on Lake Michigan in Milwaukee. So...very...cheesy.

wedding

2011-06-22T10:23:00.001-05:00

On July 13th, 2012 I get to marry the best friend I could ever ask for on Ruby Beach on the Pacific Ocean in Washington state. All in front of family and friends. I feel unbelievably lucky. This next year can't go quick enough. Thank you Missy for being on the same page...and for doing so much to make this happen.

new tattoo for me

2011-06-19T11:05:00.001-05:00

Got me a pocket watch tattoo...time set to 12:18 for Chloe's December 18th birthday. Happy fathers day to me. ??

off the wagon

2011-04-09T12:42:00.000-05:00

The ring like a stain in the wood

A drink from years ago I'm sure

A black and white on the wall from years ago when we were good

Somewhere

This house is a pain station

Awaiting blueprints for relief

The party's finally over

And everyone else had to leave

It binds you, reminds me

Pick up the grocery for your head

Take this invitation

Please don't waste another day

Hold my hands above my head

This ride is misery

Between the bars you're clinging to a world of cold embrace

I'm still here to remind you

The world hasn't changed

You're still alone

"No more pretending for him"

A hopeless voice cracks on the phone

It's deafening, reminds me pick up the passport for your trip

Take this one

It's leaving

It's the last bound for repair

I'll be here relieving all your loves and all your cares

If there were words to give you hope

If you would treasure all you have

They'd believe in you my friend

So long, so long

I'll keep the gold

-joey cape-

flower girl part 2

2011-04-02T13:21:00.001-05:00

flower girl

2011-04-02T11:53:00.001-05:00

Bellagio water show

2011-03-07T23:40:00.001-06:00

drunk women are good dancers

2011-02-28T12:45:00.001-06:00

random Vegas pics

2011-02-28T12:29:00.001-06:00

Oh...and no, we are not getting married out here. ;)

news

2011-02-08T17:51:00.002-06:00

mall of america

2011-01-31T11:41:00.001-06:00

Day off of work for me, day off of school for Chloe. Mall of America now, a drive to Kato and back in a snow storm soon. Should be a blasty blast.

band practice 2

2011-01-30T14:45:00.002-06:00

chloe and i havent had band practice in awhile. (see band practice from many moons ago)today we went with "she talks to angels" mixed with chloe's improv lyrics. she's pretty cute sometimes.

best...prank...ever...

2011-01-30T11:01:00.002-06:00

this is old news..and ive probably posted it before, but i just remembered how funny it was.

Minnehaha Falls

2011-01-29T19:01:00.002-06:00

Chloe, Missy and I went to Minnehaha falls and then to the St. Paul winter carnival to check out the ice sculptures today. I also downloaded a Blogger app for my phone. This is a test post to see how the app works. Hooray for stuff. ???

-Alien 8-

2010-12-10T11:15:00.002-06:00

would it make you feel much better if it were you against the world?
if you were an alien, and if it were conspiracy?
and would it hurt to live in comfort if you found someone to trust?
if you knew that you were with us, if we shared a common goal?

but you will isolate.
alienate.
no one can appreciate the poor misunderstood.
can't you see that i don't care anymore?

do you ever stop to listen?
are you a martyr for your pride?
does it make you feel much better when you are an alien?

cause you will isolate.
alienate.
no one can appreciate the poor misunderstood.
can you see that i don't care anymore?

-joey cape-

-new tattoo-

2010-11-12T22:13:00.005-06:00

ever since my grandma Virginia passed away ive been wanting to get a tattoo for her. something that reminds me of her. before i could decide what to get, my grandma Rosie passed away too.

the last time i went to see grandma Virginia she passed away 20 minutes before i got there. so there was a red rose in her bed instead of her. many people called my grandma Rosie Rose. so something with roses made sense, but i didnt want to just get roses.

last week i finally decided what i wanted to get. i took my favorite childhood book (where the sidewalk ends by shel silverstein) and combined it with the roses to come up with this. a boy looking over the edge as the 2 roses fall away from him. i loved the idea and im happy with the way it turned out. (sorry to those who are offended my man nipple.)

thanks to Maura at shadow masters tattoo in Cloquet for doing the tattoo. and thanks to Missy for getting me this tattoo as a gift.

-prayers, please-

2010-03-04T16:09:00.002-06:00

im not going to get specific here. i could use some prayer. just pray for healing please. (no, it is NOT life threatening)(and no...i did not hurt myself snowboarding :)) thanks.

-Merry Christmas, baby-

2009-12-23T11:14:00.000-06:00

-to think of you-

2009-12-16T15:43:00.006-06:00

this song has been a favorite of mine for a long time. its been hitting me all over again lately. "to think of you is to treasure an absent memory" by Zao. i think 1:50 to 2:20 will always give me the chills.

"when you closed your eyes,
and you fell asleep...

dark clouds descended
on the faith of the ones who held you
close to their hearts.

my heart broke.
my heart broke open..."

-yearly update-

2009-12-04T11:12:00.004-06:00

ok. so i just got an email from google telling me that my rights to www.iampabloeh.com are about to expire if i dont fork out another 10 bucks. god forbid all 3 of you have to go back to adding the .blogspot to the end of this address. every year when i get this email i realize its been a month or so since ive posted anything and i wonder why im spending the 10 bucks a year to hold this address, but then i remember my 3 regular readers. and like i said already, god forbid... :)

so- winter has kicked in here in the last couple days. an inch or so of snow and single digit temperatures in the morning. i have nothing good to say about this. everything i want to say involves yelling and the f word...and yelling of the f word. so i will stay silent about it. for now.

chloes birthday is coming up again. she is turning 5. holy crap is all i can say about that. 2 out of 3 of you have already been invited. number 3- you live too far away to make it anyway. so no invite for you. if you want to come and i didnt invite you for whatever reason, please let me know and i will give you the details. but seriously, chloes turning 5 already?! apparently entitlement issues begin just before 5, because chloe feels that everyone owes her...and she wants it all NOW. its cute sometimes. other times it makes me wanna bash my head into a wall. which is also...cute. also if youre coming to chloes party...there is swimming involved. for those of you who are worried, i did wax my bikini zone this year so there will be less terror this year than last year. thank god, right?

hmmm. how much to say about this one? without dropping names here (god forbid i jinx this thing with blog name dropping)...i am feeling very loved, very supported and very appreciated lately. and "ahhhhh" is about all i can say about that. sometimes a female version of me comes along and makes me realize that being near someone can be the best thing in life. so thank you to a certain nameless (probably imaginary???) female version of me. after quite a few surprises that have made me feel pretty cursed, its great to have a surprise or 2 thrown at me that make me feel lucky.

and yeah- for the 1st time in years i feel like im feeling (or starting to feel) again. in some ways its a great thing. in other ways its kinda scary. my guard is down a bit. im a little more vulnerable. so- backing up to chloes entitlement issues. the other night she was acting up. just not listening. talking back. you know, being fun. it finally got to the point where she just needed to go and lay down in bed for a bit. i announced this to her and took my 1st step towards her. she blurts out, "i hate you. youre always mean to me. i dont wanna live with you anymore." i was literally knocked backwards. i just kinda fell back onto the couch and sat down in a heap. i was already having a bad day that day. i was already feeling a little hurt. but my god...that just floored me. she has never before said something like that to me. nothing even close to that. i realize now that its probably the 1st of many stabs she'll take at me while angry. and im going to have to get to the point where it doesnt bug me...or at least she thinks it doesnt bug me, but for that moment, my heart broke. it was the most hurt i have felt in years. woo hoo for feeling again! ??? :)

ok. there it is. an update of sorts. i makes no promises as far as regular updates go. life is just keeping me busy as usual. but for another year...you can find me at this address.

Things I'm Sick Of

2009-10-22T23:37:00.004-05:00

1) H1N1: Yeah, its serious, and may get even worse. But for one day, JUST ONE DAY, I don't wanna hear about it. I have a little girl cuddled up next to me right now, asleep. I love her more than anything. I'm doing what I can to keep her healthy. My brain can only handle so many "what ifs?".

2) The Yankees: The NFL uses a salary cap and profit sharing program to make sure every team in the league has a chance to be competitive. MLB does not. The same teams are the best teams year after year after year. Which teams? The richest teams. I love baseball- but the Yankees wreck it for me at times.

3)Rainy/Dreary weather: I did NOT move to Seattle. Did I?

4)Faith based hate: You can call yourself whatever you wanna call yourself. But if your "faith" makes you feel justified in your hatred/judgement of other people/groups of people, there's something much more wrong with your faith than there is with the people you're hating/judging. If this attitude is "the light of the world", welcome to pitch black I guess. My opinion: faith, light and love have better things to do.

5)Sleep/Sleeplessness: This week has been awful for me. Is it the weather? The time of year? Stress? I can't sleep through the night. I should be asleep now but I fell asleep at 7:30 and slept until 9. Now? I'm awake. So- tonight will be another night of confused sleep patterns. The good news: I am NOT waking up in a panic at 3:33. Whew.

6)Waiting

-The Tank!-

2009-10-18T17:30:00.001-05:00

The Tank played in Mankato on Friday night. You should have been there. But you weren't. It's a shame.

-band practice-

2009-10-13T16:48:00.002-05:00

Chloe and I have started a band. We're warming up with a cover of "Nothing Else Matters". Here's the intro for you. I think Chloe played pretty well.

BOOO to snow!

2009-10-10T20:56:00.002-05:00

The first dusting of snow for 2009. Chloe was excited, i was not.

The Death of Mousey

2009-09-26T00:38:00.001-05:00

Work was pretty crazy this week. Monday was pretty average. But Monday is one of my busier days. So an average Monday is...well, busy. Tuesday was literally the slowest Tuesday I've ever had. But it worked out well because Chloe had an open house at school. So I was able to get up there and sit in with her during class. She did great. She listened. She participated. She held my hand the entire time. Have I ever mentioned how awesome she is? It blows my mind sometimes.

Anyways, where was I?..oh work. Wednesday and Thursday were literally the busiest Wednesday and Thursday I've ever had. In the middle of the running on Thursday I found what appeared to be a dead baby mouse on the ground near the back of my truck. As I walked away I noticed it moving. It must have only been a couple days old at most. Its eyes were still closed and it wasn't real good at the whole walking thing. I argued with myself for a couple minutes. "Pick it up and take it home" vs "Its a frickin mouse, leave it there." Yeah, I took it home. We've been feeding it and keeping it warm and all. I figured if it survived it could be Chloe's first pet, and if it died- well I tried anyway.

Mousey did well yesterday and most of today. I fed it with an eye dropper and made it a little home to keep it warm. Dylan and Chloe helped out too, and Chloe got pretty attached. For the 2nd half of today I could tell mousey wasn't doing very well. I warned Chloe that he might not live through the day. She just kept talking about what mousey would be like when he grew up. Sure enough- mousey died. I can't even put into words how Chloe reacted. This is tough to say but she reacted the same way I would imagine myself reacting if something happened to her. She threw her arms in the air, fell to the ground in a heap and yelled, "Noooo mousey!". She pleaded for mousey to come back. She begged me to try different things to bring him back, including a little water on his face. The sobbing and hysterical fits went on for about an hour. One of the hardest hours of my daddy life. I never thought my inability to resurrect a dead mouse would make me feel so helpless.

She helped me bury him in the back yard. She said her goodbye. 10 minutes later she grabbed a spoon and wanted to dig him up. She didn't want a bird, squirrel or dog to dig him up. "Doggies are very good diggers daddy." Then the tough questions. "Will mousey go to heaven?". "Will Grandma Virginia be nice to mousey?" "When is Jesus going to come to pick up mousey?" "What color is Jesus?" "Can I stay up to watch Jesus pick up mousey?" "Will mousey grow up in heaven?" And then, the most heart breaking statement I have ever heard in my life. She looked right at me with her tear filled blue eyes and said, "daddy, I don't want to die when I'm older."

The death of a mouse. I'm broken hearted. I'm tripping over my own theologies. I'm questioning faith and God and all that goes with it. Its a question I've always asked. And its one that's always hurt. "Why do the people (and animals) that we love so much have to die?" All this over a mouse. If only I had it left it lay there. :)

After all her mourning Chloe was obviously tired. We laid down in bed to watch some cartoons and snuggle a bit. Poor kid. Dylan was upstairs using the bathroom at the time. Why is that important? You'll see in a minute. As Chloe laid next to me I felt a drop of moisture on my chest. I thought somehow a tear had leaped over onto me. A couple seconds later, another drop. I looked up at the ceiling. Sure enough, beads of water in the seam. I jumped out of bed and ran upstairs in what would be world record time if only it had been officially timed. The toilet is running...but apparently the seal is leaking...bad. Long story short- my plans of early bed time were replaced by me working on a ****ing toilet. A ****ING TOILET! The mess is cleaned up. The toilet is as fixed as it can be and needs to be for now. I'm back in bed with a still sad Chloe. She wants to dig mousey up tomorrow to see how his bodies doing. She is not happy with me for telling her no. For tonight I feel pretty powerless.

Anyways, happy news. Chloe and I are going to watch our friend Libbey get married tomorrow. Congrats to Libbey and Roger! After the wedding I have to cruise immediately up to Minneapolis. The Weakerthans are playing at The Triple Rock. Should be a very good show. Chloe is going to stay at Mandra's for the night so I'll be able to stay up and spend some time with friends. Should be a fun day. Last weekend Chloe and I went to the Twins game with Ross and Missy on Sunday afternoon. Thanks again to Missy for the great tickets. We left the dome and drove right over to Xcel in St. Paul to watch the Wild play. Again, great seats for free. 4 rows up right next to the Wild bench. It was only a preseason game, but it was very well played and VERY hard hitting. There were 5 fights through the first 2 periods including 2 right in front of us. The fights, the hard hits into the boards just feet in front of us, the roar of the crowd, the horn when the Wild scored- I was loving it. I was fired up. Chloe HATED it. She was so scared. Her first "big hockey game" and we were just too close. The last fight left blood on the ice. I could see every drop. We were just too close for her. It was a blast, but I left after the 2nd period. Chloe just wasn't having fun.

I have blabbed on way too much. More later.

Big Girl

2009-09-16T16:21:00.005-05:00

Chloe started preschool this week and it has led to a couple of her cutest moments. She spent a good part of Sunday explaining to me that I could no longer call her my baby. She is now "Chloe" or my "daughter". "I'm not a baby anymore daddy." This is going to be an adjustment for me.

She is going to school 4 days a week. Monday-Thursday. So far she's really liking school but is not thrilled about riding the bus. She told me last night that she's tired of seeing where all her friends live. (She's 1st on and last off) As she was falling asleep she was pleading with me, "Daddy, please ask your boss if you can leave work to pick me up at school. Tell him your daughter Chloe needs a ride home from school. Tell your boss that your daughter Chloe doesn't want to ride the bus home from school." She kept repeating the same lines over and over again until she finally fell asleep mid-sentence. Soooo cute- part of me wanted to tear up, part of me wanted to just laugh. So I did both. (And for the record...i did make it today to pick her up. The problem now: she'll want me to every day. Most days i just can't. But FOR TODAY- i did.)

I saw a pretty serious accident today. A truck rear ended a car that was turning off of the highway. So my plea- please drive safe! Put plenty of distance between you and the car ahead of you and never take your eye off the road. This truck was following too close and obviously not paying enough attention. So when the car slowed to turn. He hit it. At like 50 MPH. 2 people were hurt pretty bad. Anyways- be safe. A split second can make a huge difference. Sermon over.

Dylan is sick. Everyone else in the house is ok so far. Hopefully that keeps up. (NOT Dylan being sick...bad wording on my part)

Ps...I barely got there in time to get Chloe today. I walked in as they were walking to the bus. She was talking to her teacher, "daddy's boss must have said he couldn't come get me." She was so disappointed. Her teacher noticed me walking up and said, "Chloe, look who's here." Chloe was so excited. Her reaction made my 9 hours of working without a break well worth it.

Blah to Sunday

2009-09-06T13:13:00.001-05:00

Welp- Kim and Andy got married last night and all seemed to go very well. The photographer was a bit of a dink and everyone wanted to punch him in the sac. But other then THAT, it all went very well. Congrats to Kim and Andy!

Chloe just shut the door of my bedroom a little too hard. The mirror fell off the door and hit her in the head. It of course shattered (the mirror, NOT her head) and there was glass everywhere. Poor Chloe was terrified. She's not hurt at all, thank God. But she was pretty spooked. Cleaning up all that glass was of course no fun but I was sooo relieved that she wasn't hurt that it didn't seem too bad.

Hmmm. I'm not gonna get into this too deeply but...weddings bum me out. Chloe had a blast, and that was fun to watch. I literally had to carry her off the dance floor because she did not want to leave. It was cute watching her try to do all the wedding dances. I dunno- I'm sick of doing things "alone". Day to day stuff and bigger events- like weddings. I'm sick of being alone. But at the same time I'm not going to let myself be with someone just to be with someone. I'd rather be alone than with the wrong person. I just want to meet the "right" person. But honestly, I'm not even sure how to define that anymore.

Its labor day weekend. So no work tomorrow. Chloe and I went to Sibley Park today and fed the animals. It was fun. We're just being lazy in front of the TV now. I promised her we'd walk across the street to the park in a bit here. Just a lazy Sunday so far. I have to run my tux over to PeterTown at some point. But I have nothing too ambitous planned for the rest of the weekend. It feels good to have this extra day to...well, not work.

Have a great, safe weekend all!

Old man me

2009-09-04T00:34:00.001-05:00

2 games of softball tonight. Way too much running. This is the first year of ball when I really feel my body just saying "ok this is enough". It sucks. I'm feeling old. Its getting me down a little bit. Almost 20 years of skateboarding, snowboarding, softball and various other hard on the body hobbies are really catching up to me this year. I love playing ball- but its not the same for me lately. Its hurting so much more, and I'm enjoying it less. I've just lost my fire for playing and I'm not sure how to get it back. I'm having a hard time accepting my new limitations. Tonight I pulled my groin. Tomorrow is gonna hurt. And that's not even mentioning trying to get some sleep tonight- I am having no luck there.

Tomorrow- I have to work 6 hours, most of which will be spent driving about 200 miles. Then at 4 I have to be up at the church for Andy and Kims wedding rehersal. I picked up my tux today. Andy picked some really sharp looking tuxes. Good job Andy. After the rehersal we're going out to 7 mile for food and fun with the wedding party. It should be a fun day. (If I sleep tonight, and if my groin stops hurting that is). Isn't groin talk fun?!

Andy and Kims wedding is on Saturday. Congrats you two!

Chloe is starting preschool this month. I can't believe it. She's growing up too quick. What a typical parent thing to say, I know. But seriously, its crazy.

Other then that: same ole, same ole to be honest. I feel kinda in a rut lately. The routine is just blah- but the routine is necessary. Like I said earlier there just seems to be a spark or a fire missing. Not just in softball, but in life in general. I do what I do, but lately its with less inspiration than usual. It's routine. It just is. It may be time for a new hobby or something. I wish it was time for a new town. But I'm stuck here for awhile. And no- a new wife is not the answer. So stop saying that. ;)

I should at least try to sleep I suppose. 5 hours until I hit my alarm and hurt my hand.

-celebrating the pablo-

2009-06-26T14:49:00.003-05:00

july 8th, 2009 i will be turing 33. or as i call it, old. so, lets celebrate! starting at 3 PM on Saturday July 11th there will be food and games, friends and family. so YOU should come.

Food: PLEASE bring your own food. i will provide a grill or 2 for all to use. IF YOU WANT to bring a dish or dessert to share you are more than welcome to, but it definitely is not a necessity. (i DO really like key lime pie. banana cream pie. and special k bars. :))

drinks: please bring your own drinks. whether it be pop or beer or whatever. i will have some coolers with ice sitting out on the deck.

games: bring a yard game. a board game. a deck of cards and poker chips. if it sounds fun to you and you wanna play it, bring it. i have a few yard games and all, but we could always use more.

a side note: bring friends and family if you want to. including kids. we have parks right across the street and 3 tvs that can be tuned into cartoons. north mankato fun days will be going on this same weekend and are only 2 blocks from my house, so wandering from here to there or vice versa is always an option.

and one more thing. UFC 100 is at 9 pm that evening. i will be paying for the pay per view. you are welcome to stay and watch if you want to. its gonna be a great night of fights. heres the details on the fights.

anyways...come if you can. even if its only to stop in and say hello.

heres a video preview of UFC 100

-burning fight-

2009-06-24T16:48:00.002-05:00

there were 2 big shows recently that i really wish i couldve gone to. one in chicago and one in california. both were shows set up to promote the release of a book called "burning fight". its a book written about the 90's hardcore music scene. anyways, the reason i wanted to go is because it featured 3 of my all time favorite bands...and more specifically my 2 favorite minnesota bands threadbare (with Dustin Perry from Mankato) and disembodied. and yes i do realize most of you will hate this music...and maybe be scared of it. :)

heres disembodied's set in chicago (unedited) skip to the 3:05 point to see the 1st song. its their best.

Disembodied (Burning Fight, Phase 1) from hate5six productions on Vimeo.

"and now i realize all i could have had. and now you tell me all i could have had. and now you give me all i could have had. but i dont want it anymore. i dont need it anymore."

heres threadbares set, also in chicago (also unedited). "midas" is the song that really got me hooked on them. thats at the 26:15 point or so)

Threadbare (Burning Fight, Phase 1) from hate5six productions on Vimeo.

"a flame never burned as hot as the one that i lit today"

too much heat!

2009-06-23T14:48:00.006-05:00

it is way too hot in this town. yesterday it got up to at least 95 with enough humidity to make it feel like it was over 100. today was more of the same until a pretty scary looking storm blew in and dropped the temp 20 degrees in about 5 minutes. i was working in my truck at work with my side door open and it was very very hot in there...all of a sudden a cool wind came through and i thought "oh no, this cant be good". so i looked outside and sure enough, here came the dark clouds. when the storm 1st came in i honestly thought there was a tornado coming. it got so cool so quick and the clouds looked awful. the wind just all of a sudden started howling. praxair is right next to the entrance to "the pit" in mankato. it was funny to see so many cars all of a sudden leaving the pit as the storm started up.

yesterday i had a really busy route. by the time i got home i had to shower and put on a whole new set of clothes. then it was on to softball. after softball i had to shower and put on a whole new set of clothes. it was just way too hot all around.

last Friday i got to see Joey Cape up at the triple rock. Molly, Cyndi, Fred and I drove up early to meet Ross and Monica. Ms Sarah Sylvester was also kind enough to join us. Ross just celebrated his 30th birthday so we wanted to get together with him. the food and company was all around good. the show was good, but disappointing in some big ways. mainly the length of joeys set. waaaay toooo short. his guitarist was late so the band before him played a longer set...by the time the other guy showed up it was not too long before curfue. so he only played a few songs. sadly the guitarist from drag the river was drunk enough to mess most of those up too. long story short- it was fun. but i was disappointed with the way joeys set turned out. but, oh well. that night i got home a little after 4 am. it seriously destroyed my weekend. i napped for 4 hours on saturday. Chloe woke me up sunday morning at 5:30 am...so we napped for 3 hours on sunday. i got very little done around the house. and what i did get done i did with a scowl on my face. this is one of the 1st weeks ever that its actually felt good to get back into the weekly routine.

oh yeah...the pic here. the pic is a storm that developed about 30 miles east of town. it dropped at least 3 (maybe 5) tornadoes and did some damage. this is always the case with pictures, but the picture doesnt show how big this storm really looked. and it cant show how quickly the could was expanding. it was so humid that you could just sit and watch the cloud expand. i dont think ive ever seen a storm build this quickly.

ummm. hmmm. i dont write here enough anymore. when i do i feel so behind that i dont know whats worth mentioning and what isnt. so for now...this is it.

-Chicago!-

2009-06-15T10:28:00.004-05:00

last thursday i drove down all by my lil lonesome to Chicago. the drive really wasnt that bad. from my house to the hotel in schaumburg, it was a 6 1/2 hour drive. i did have to pay about 5 bucks in road tolls though. that seems pretty dumb to me. but i am not a road toll expert, so...

my original plan was to drive back today and go back to work tomorrow. but i couldnt take today off of work because someone else already had taken the day off. so i drove home yesterday. this morning i went in to work and found my truck has a "major transmission leak" and "is not drivable". so here i sit at home. i couldve stayed another day!

anyways, Chicago was a blast. Patrick Rew met me at the hotel on Thursday. he was nice enough to drive me into and around downtown Chicago on Thursday evening. a quick side-note: people in Chicago drive like overly aggressive idiots. im glad he was driving and not me. Friday we took the train into the city and walked EVERYWHERE. we honestly walked about 15 miles and saw a lot of downtown and the lake area. it was a blast. by the time we got back to the hotel i had blisters on my feet, sore legs, a sore back and a nice case of sunburn. but it was worth it. saturday we jumped on the train and went back into town. we took the subway over to Wrigley Field to see the Twins play the Cubs. it rained on us all morning...the forecast called for rain and thunderstorms for most of the day. but in an apparant answer to my whiny prayers it stopped raining at noon and the game started at 12:35. only a 20 minute delay! the Twins went on to win a tense game 2-0. soooo many Twins fans! it was cool to see that many people travel down to support the team. it was near a 50/50 ratio of twins/cubs fans. it was great to see Mankato/St Peter kids too!

sunday...i slept a bit...then got on the road at about 10 am. i stopped once for food and gas and made it home by 4:30. not too bad. the drive was so much easier than i thought it would be, that i am now thinking Chicago might be a nice place to roadtrip to on a regular basis. maybe.

tonight...i have 2 softball games. it'll be the first double header ive got to be a part of so far this season. 6:15 and 7:15. my favorite times for a double header. should be fun. but i will be sore and tired tonight and tomorrow. its just a guarantee.

hmmmm

2009-05-18T13:22:00.000-05:00

Today is my day off. And its nice out. Chloe is keeping me as busy as she possibly can. I was really hoping she'd sleep in so I could sleep in too. She slept through Dylan sounding like an elephant while he got ready for school. How can one kid make that much noise. Anyways- about 8:30 I woke up, I looked over at her and was relieved to see her still fast asleep. Maybe she'll sleep until 10? Before going back to sleep myself I decided I needed to fart. So I did. It was kinda loud. Not really loud. But apparantly loud enough to startle her awake. "What was that daddy?" She didn't go back to sleep. Oops.

From home- it was to McDonalds for hotcakes and sausage. Then to the mall for some time at the play area. Now, we're at Sibley park. Chloes playing. I'm sitting in the shade.

On the way home from the mall I got pulled over by a cop. I couldn't figure out why. I was going like 25. She walked up to my window and talked to me and Chloe for a couple minutes. I finally kinda laughed and said "so, what did I do?". "You were going 25 in the 20 back there. Just slow it down a little bit." Very strange. But I'm really happy I didn't get a ticket. Work would not have been happy.

Church league softball tonight. We are 3 and 0 and tonight we play the only other 3 and 0 team in the division! Its a battle of the undefeateds. The crappy part is that we're of course missing 4 or 5 of our players. It seems like we can never get our whole team there for Mondays games. Oh well I guess. Our Thursday team is also 3 and 0 and looking great right now. We've 10 or 20 runned the 3 teams we've played. If we can keep this streak of hitting going we're gonna be tough to beat.

Ok. I'm gonna try to wrestle Chloe away from the park real soon here. Happy Monday all.

-day off!-

2009-05-17T19:46:00.002-05:00

first of all. i have tomorrow off. thats right kids. no worky on a monday for me. woo hoo. i was supposed to be picking up my dad from the airport, but he called today to let me know he is now staying until next Saturday. which means i have a day off, with no plans. woo hoo! what to do? what to do?

the other night Chloe would not go to sleep. so i gave her the lecture on why we need to sleep. i explained to her that i work 2 jobs and play softball 2 nights a week and that i have 2 kids to raise and that all that makes me really tired. she thought for a minute and then went on to tell me that i shouldnt spend as much time on the couch watching baseball if im so busy and so tired. little snot.

i bought a new grill this weekend. its been used twice already. its a gas grill with a handy dandy little side burner. and three burners in the grill. last night we had burgers and potatoes...today we had steak, potatoes, rice and corn. Mmmmm. just talking about it is making me hungry.

i really dont have much to say today. ive just been neglecting this thing again lately.

-manchester orchestra-

2009-05-02T09:52:00.001-05:00

man orc as i lazily call them was on letterman the other night. i did not stay up for it. thanks Ross for sending me the link. the song is good and they played it well, but just as entertaining in my opinion is Daves apparant case of the swine flu. good lord, he can barely talk!

paul's falling apart

2009-04-30T21:19:00.001-05:00

This week is week 1 of softball. Church league started Monday, mens league started tonight. We won 14 to 4 in 5 innings on Monday and 17 to 7 in 6 innings tonight. I am sooo sore right now its incredible. I didn't snowboard at all this winter so its gonna take me a bit longer to get used to all this running.

On a disgusting note I no longer have a fingernail on my middle finger. The skin underneath is all mangled and diseased looking. Its pretty sick. I'm wearing a band-aid on it to save everyone else from the sight of it and to save me from accidently catching it or hitting it on anything. It doesn't hurt at all, but its a little sensitive. And UGLY.

On the way home from ball tonight I drove past a horrific accident on 169. Right in front of McDonalds. Looks like an SUV was going pretty fast and hit a car on the passenger side door. The car was sitting on its side. There was an ambulance rushing to the scene. I really hope no one was in the passenger seat. The door was crushed pretty far into the car. I'm really hoping the injuries aren't as serious as I'm worried they might be.

Tomorrow is Friday. Nice. 4 hour day tomorrow and then the weekend begins. I was thinking of going to the Twins game on Saturday but I'm not sure yet. Normally when the media starts upping the fear level with talks of disease and all I don't listen. But now with kids and all this stupid swine flu scare has me a little worried. Not paranoid, but a little worried. I can't imagine the kids getting something like that. I don't even wanna think about it. So I'm not sure that I wanna take Chloe to the dome right now. We'll see. I seriously feel dumb for even worrying about it at all, but with kids...my viewpoint is just different than it used to be. I worry more.

Eh. Bedtime. Goodnight all!

-the arrogance of faith, the arrogance of doubt-

2009-04-23T21:33:00.002-05:00

finally it is friday tomorrow. what a long strange week its been. today was a 6:15 to 5:45 day without a break of any kind. non stop driving and delivering. good times. i was sooo hungry and tired and sweaty by the time i got home. (it was 85 degrees today) the good news? i only have 4 hours until my 40 hours is up. so..I'll be done by 11 am tomorrow. my plans for the weekend? nothing! well, maybe poker here on saturday night. other then that...cleaning the house and the yard and all. fun huh?

this last week has been very strange. at work especially. unfortunately i cant get into details here. oh well.

chloe and i went to the park for a bit tonight. my mom was nice enough to PT gig for me tonight. thanks mom! we came back and made milkshakes. Mmmmm. they werent too bad. now? im just tired. i need to get some sleep. im thinking another shower sounds good 1st though.

what a pointless post this has been...sorry. :)

-naked as we came-

2009-04-18T11:23:00.004-05:00

this is another iron & wine song ive been really liking lately. this is a cover of it...and i prefer it over the original. so im posting it. you should watch it. come on...watch it.

She says "wake up, it's no use pretending"
I'll keep stealing, breathing her.
Birds are leaving over autumn's ending
One of us will die inside these arms

Eyes wide open, naked as we came
One will spread our ashes 'round the yard

She says "If I leave before you, darling
Don't you waste me in the ground"
I lay smiling like our sleeping children
One of us will die inside these arms

Eyes wide open, naked as we came
One will spread our ashes 'round the yard

-the trapeze swinger-

2009-04-14T17:42:00.005-05:00

yes i am about a year or so behind...but this song is nailing me lately. i think ive listened to it 47 million times this week alone. 47 million is a lot.

Please, remember me
Happily
By the rosebush laughing
With bruises on my chin
The time when
We counted every black car passing
Your house beneath the hill
And up until
Someone caught us in the kitchen
With maps, a mountain range,
A piggy bank
A vision too removed to mention
And

Please, remember me
Fondly
I heard from someone you're still pretty
And then
They went on to say
That the pearly gates
Has some eloquent graffiti
Like 'We'll meet again'
And 'Fuck the man'
And 'Tell my mother not to worry'
And angels with their great
Handshakes
But they're always done in such a hurry
And

Please, remember me
At Halloween
Making fools of all the neighbors
Our faces painted white
By midnight
We'd forgotten one another
And when the morning came
I was ashamed
Only now it seems so silly
That season left the world
And then returned
And now you're lit up by the city
And

Please, remember me
Mistakenly
In the window of the tallest tower
Calling passers by
But much too high
To see the empty road at happy hour
Gleam and resonate
Just like the gates
Around the holy kingdom
With words like 'Lost and Found' and 'Don't Look Down'
And 'Someone Save Temptation'
And

Please, remember me
As in the dream
We had as rug-burned babies
Among the fallen trees
And fast asleep
Aside the lions and the ladies
That called you what you like
And even might
Give a gift for your behavior
A fleeting chance to see
A trapeze
Swinger high as any savior
And

Please, remember me
My misery
And how it lost me all I wanted
Those dogs that love the rain
And chasing trains
The colored birds above their running
In circles round the well
To where it spells
On the wall behind St. Peter
So bright on cinder gray
In spray paint
'Who the hell can see forever?'
And

Please, remember me
Seldomly
In the car behind the carnival
My hands between your knees
You turn from me
And said 'The trapeze act was wonderful
But never meant to last'
The clowns that passed
Saw me just come up with anger
When it filled with circus dogs
The parking lot
It had an element of danger
And

Please, remember me
Finally
And all my uphill clawing
My dear
And if i make
The pearly gates
I'll do my best to make a drawing
Of God and Lucifer
A boy and girl
An angel kissin on a sinner
A monkey and a man
A marching band
All around the frightened trapeze swinger

great story

2009-04-05T20:20:00.001-05:00

thanks to Ross for sending me this story. its the most inspired ive been by a sporting moment in a long time. the crowds reaction is seriously incredible. i had to post it cause YOU gotta see it.

"a flame never burned as hot as the one that i lit today"

2009-03-29T11:34:00.004-05:00

i got the new tattoo! it took a whole 15 or 20 minutes and cost me 80 bucks. here it be. (the carebear in the backround seems to like it)

friday night fun

2009-03-27T20:08:00.000-05:00

Its Friday night, about 8 or so. Its still a little light out and the Schwann's man just came a knockin at the door. Everyone in the house is already in bed. We're a wild bunch here. I'm sure the neighbors will be calling the cops with noise complaints.

Chloe is having another pretty bad day. She just isn't listening to anyone. And then throwing fits when she doesn't get her way. Everyone talks about the "terrible twos". She was so good at 2! 3 was a little harder, but not bad at all. Now at 4, she's definitely a challenge at times. Its just a nonstop power struggle. She must have been overtired tonight, cause she is out cold. Has been since about 7:45. I'm just laying here next to her listening to my mp3 player and punching this up on my phone. Good ole phone has almost replaced the computer. Almost.
Tomorrow. I MIGHT be getting my new tattoo. Sam is coming over and we're gonna head down early. We'll try to get in tomorrow. If we can't we're gonna try to schedule something for april 10th since we both have that day off of work. I'm still excited to have a new one, but I'm torn now on where to put it. Must decide, must...decide.

The rest of the weekend I don't really have anything planned. I have to clean the house tomorrow. Holy disaster. Its the worst I've seen it in a long time. Should be a blasty blast. I was going to start tonight but I decided "eh". Yeah..."Eh"

My planned Chicago trip is starting to come together. Pat Rew is going to meet me there and go to Saturdays Twins/Cubs game at Wrigley. I bought us tickets online this week. We just have to book a hotel for the weekend. I'm gonna drive down Thursday and drive back Sunday. I wanted to stay longer but I have to work on Monday. I'm not too excited about driving alone, but oh well. Its alone time with my music I guess. I'm excited to see Chicago for the first time, and especially excited to see Wrigley. Should be fun.
April 10th I am going to a Wild game with Ms Molly Bloom. We got tickets at center ice, 10 rows up. Should be a lot of fun. They're playing Memphis. Both teams are in a close race for the last playoff spot, so this could be a big game. And yes, I will eat a lot of sporting event food. Mmmmm.

We had an open house at work today. Well, tomorrow too I guess. It was NUTS there today. Soooo many people. Vendors brought in welders and plasma cutters and all to demo. They were set up inside and outside. New ulm highschool bused in 30 some kids to check stuff out. Lots of customers were in and out all day.

My 40 hours were up at noon today so I picked up Chloe at daycare and we went out to lunch with my grandpa. We went to the new place in kato...used to be timberlodge...ugh, I'm blanking. It was really good. But dang it, I miss timberlodge so much. I loved timberlodge! My poor broken heart.

Ok. I'm rambling.

second winds

2009-03-23T22:16:00.000-05:00

Ugh. What a day it was. Its Monday, and to be honest I woke up this morning feeling ok with that fact. Its just another day, and my route looked pretty easy. On paper anyway. And it was easy until my last stop. This stupid stop has been a HUGE problem from day one. I've had countless talks with salesmen, supervisors, safety coordinators, etc and we've all agreed that this stop is not at all safe, and at times its flat out not possible to make the delivery, yet NOTHING has gotten done about it until today. Many months later finally something has gotten done. In a way its a relief, but in a another way its angering that it took this long. I've risked my safety every time I've gone there all winter and nobody cared enough to make sure something changed. Anyways- today was the last day of doing things the old way there. So what happens? My truck gets stuck in the mud. A 30,000 pound truck and it sunk a couple feet in the mud. I honestly thought it was going to be stuck there until the ground hardened in a month or so. I thought there was NO shot of getting it out. But I shoveled mud back into my own tire tracks and rocked it back and forth until it finally broke free. It honestly felt like a minor miracle. If you could have seen it stuck I guarantee you would have said "you are not getting that outta there". But woo hoo! Its out. My shoes and pants are 75% mud, but my truck is out.

Tonight. Chloe and I laid down at 8:30 or so. She fell asleep by 9. I dozed off for a little bit but woke up here at 10 feeling wide awake. Why do I get these second winds? Why can't I get them earlier in the day? I feel so tired all day that I look forward to sleeping, but then it gets to be this time of night and I just don't wanna sleep all of a sudden. I end up laying here listening to music and catching up on online stuff until midnight and then it just makes me more tired the next day. Oh well I guess.

So...I've been having some pretty strong thoughts about God, faith and religion and all that fun stuff. Its no secret that I've been through some "trials and tribulations" over the last few years. I don't think I've really discussed too much what its done to my faith. Both in people and in God. I'm not really sure that I'm ready to really break things down or confess what I sometimes feel or think. But these thoughts are a constant for me lately.

"Never will I leave or forsake you" feels like a broken marriage vow to me. Because for the most part I feel that God has left. Having someone walk out on you is hard enough, but when its someone who promised you they would never leave...its so much harder. After they're gone you can still hear the promise. And it hurts. The world feels and looks pretty godless to me right now and to be honest my life feels and looks about the same. It feels like my best friend just up and moved away without warning and without saying goodbye. And here I am in need of that friend. Making calls, sending messages of all kinds, and getting no reply. Just reminders, some subtle and some brutal, that God is not watching out for me anymore. I'm on my own.

And like any break up, there's the questions. Why did he leave me? What about me didn't he like? What did I do wrong? But I know that once someone makes up their mind to leave, there's no changing it back. Why would I want someone around who doesn't want to be there anyway? I won't beg for you to stay. I won't chase you as you run away. I won't seek while you hide. Now is not the time for games. It just isn't.

blog neglect

2009-03-13T18:19:00.002-05:00

i have almost forgotten that i have this thing lately. honestly, i just dont feel like taking the time to type things out. its easier to twitter every once in awhile. oh no, my laziness has now spread into the internet world! ahhh! but, ive always loved having this thing to here to write on. and to go back to at different times to remind myself of where ive been.

so where have i been lately? hmm. grandma rosie is losing her hair. i hate that about chemo. its just hair and i keep reminding myself of that. but its just the in your face visual reminder that this person you care about is fighting cancer. but...shes over half way done with the chemo. and all things considered, shes handling it all very well.

chloe has been a little demon lately. shes just very rebellious. she doesnt listen. so i punish her...then she throws a fit about the punishment. its a fun cycle. but...it needs to be done consistently. so i try to do just that. shes come up with some really great noises to make when shes frustrated though. it makes it hard not to laugh at her sometimes. dylan cant seem to tell the truth anymore. im at a loss lately on what to tell the kid to help him see the importance of his word. ideas?

work has been a challenge lately. no more overtime! but workload is still enough where i could use an extra few hours in my work week. today my 40 was up...my truck wasnt unloaded from todays route...so it wasnt loaded for mondays route. and mondays route is a big one. i left trying to figure out what the heck im going to do. BUT, its friday now. i'll worry about that when the week starts over again.

im trying to get a trip to chicago planned and worked out for mid june. the twins play the cubs at wrigley and i really wanna go to see wrigley...and chicago. why have i never been there? quite a few of my friends are planning on going. it could be a really fun mini vacation. i just hope i can make it happen.

tonight? a friends band is playing. so im leaving here in an hour or so to go downtown to meet some friends, have some food at bw3's, have a few drinks and see some music. it'll be nice to get out. im feeling a little bit of stress this week. (thanks Sarah for the night off tonight.)

ive got an itch for tattoos lately. i have one forsure planned out. its just been too hectic lately to get it done. but soon. i wanna come up with another idea or 2 and try to get 2 or 3 new ones this year. we'll see.

and mom, i love you. :)

sweet sweet chloe

2009-03-02T20:37:00.000-06:00

Tonight Chloe and I drove over to peterland to see my grandma. I decided to stop at my grandpas to see if he wanted to go eat quick. He did! Imagine that. So the 3 of us went to country kitchen. Mmmm. About halfway through the meal Chloe knocked her full glass of COLD apple juice directly on to my lap. I didn't see it coming and let out a high pitched "ooooh!" It looked like I wet myself. It felt like I wet myself. Except it was freezing cold. She of course thought it was hilarious. At that time I did not. Now? Yeah its pretty funny.

Anyways we left to drive gramps back home. On the way to his house Chloe was in the back in her seat praying. "Dear Jesus I pray with all my heart that me and my daddy could come up to the sky tonight to see you and grandma Ginia and grandpa Tom. Please let us come to heaven tonight, me and my daddy." I wanted to ask her to stop, you know just in case God feels obligated to grant cute 4 year olds their misguided wishes, but it was too cute. The good news: we did not get in a car accident. My thought before impact woulda been "yeah, that's a good one God. You're a funny God."

-the week-

2009-02-28T10:47:00.002-06:00

wow. this week is FINALLY over. seriously its been the longest week ive had in a long time. nothing seemed to go right at work. little went right outside of work. it all just added up to a long week. BUT, it is now over. it is Saturday. and my stress level has been cut way down. i am caught up on facebook, myspace, email, etc. woo hoo. BUT i have been having problems with apps on my phone...so if i didnt reply to you i may have lost your message. sorry about that.

my grandma had a set back this week. she is halfway done with chemo and all has been going great. she started not feeling well and was running a pretty high temp. so they took her into the emergency room. long story short, her white blood cell count is low and she has a bladder infection. so...shes infected and her body's ability to fight off infection is much lower. they had to skip this weeks chemo and it sounds like she'll be in the hospital for a few days. i'll try to update as news comes in.

my work truck is a piece of crap. im due for a new one this summer/fall. hopefully the economy doesnt stop that from happening. my lift gate just completely stopped working on wednesday so it was in the shop all day. so i got a day off. which was nice. thursday all went well with my truck but the roads and the weather were awful. seriously awful. im still amazed the company didnt pull us off the roads. it flat out was not safe to be out. anyways...friday i usually dont have a route, but this friday i had to play catch up. so...i did sleepy eye and then springfield. i drove from springfield to new ulm. i got out at my first new ulm stop only to find out that my lift gate was AGAIN not working. so Rick had to drive the pick up to new ulm and we had to take tanks off of my truck and put them on the pick up. i had to finish new ulm in the pick up. which is not fun. my truck is big enough to work comfortably and safely in, the pick up...well, it isnt.

this weekend. josiah's 2nd birthday party is tomorrow. we'll all be going up to pizza ranch in le sueur. Mmmm. thats the only real plans i have. a couple friends just got a hold of me though wondering if i could go out tonight. after this week a night of drinking sounds pretty good. well drinking and pagliais pizza. Mmmm. i gotta find a sitter though. Sheree, are you busy tonight?

names and definitions

2009-02-23T21:29:00.000-06:00

First off, winter needs to end. I'm so sick of the cold and snow. 40 tomorrow! Woo hoo!

2nd. Its Monday I have nothing good to say about it.

We spent all day Saturday up in the cities. It was Grandma Bonnie's birthday so we took her out to eat at Bennigans and hung out with her at her place for a bit. Mmmm. Bennigans. The food was great. I ate sooo much.

After that we went to church in Maple Grove. It was good. The sermon hit close to home. Seems like it always does when Dave preaches. I kinda wanna break it down, but not tonight. And not on my tiny phone keyboard.

I am confused by the undefined. I just want to rush the naming process even if it means calling something over. Uncertainity is confusion. Vague enough for ya? :)

-lunch break-

2009-02-19T13:15:00.003-06:00

i just read a story on cnn.com. click here to read it and then tell me what you think. ive often wondered what would happen to the crime rate if we had more of "an eye for an eye" mentality in this country. sometimes i feel like were so eager to forgive and forget that we just keep throwing murders and rapists back out there to murder and rape again. what do you think of this womans response in the story? do think the crime rate would drop if we chopped off the hands of thieves and various other parts of rapists? do you think we have a moral responsibility to give people multiple chances at turning their life around? wheres the line?

also...did you hear the story about the woman getting mauled by the ape? if not, here it is. good lord. ive heard quotes from the 911 call and from the police who responded. apparantly this womans face was just gone. the cops actually said "we need to get this GUY out of here. he has no face left". ive been spending too much time the last 2 days imaging how horrifying this must have been. who gives an ape Xanax anyway? good idea.

ok..i should probably get back to work.

guitar lesson!

2009-02-14T12:10:00.005-06:00

yeah, were pretty much rockin out

-valentines day-

2009-02-14T09:37:00.002-06:00

hey all. happy valentines day! AND happy birthday to my aunt Sheree and my uncle Dan. a few days late, i know.

today. i was hoping to sleep in until at least 10. 10 sounds about right. chloe would not let me. she woke me up around 8. who called me at 1:30 in the morning anyway? was that you? well? anyways...im going to clean some of the house this morning since im up. i really dont feel like it, but it needs to be done. i still feel sore and old from the dodge ball tourny, but i feel like im getting better. today is sure to make me feel worse all over again. why? because here are the plans for the day. at noon we are going to dutlers bowl here in kato for the praxair holiday party. social hour is from noon to one...and then we bowl. chucking a 15 pound ball 60 feet a few dozen times oughta do wonders on my sore back, legs and arms. and then after that...this is the funny part, i am going up to burnsville to go rollerskating with Ms Ida and her kids. rollerskating ought to do wonders for...well, my entire sore body. so by tomorrow i should be back in i cant move mode. woo hoo.

ok ms ida just called. we are going out for breakfast now i guess. gotta go get ready.

-stories to tell-

2009-02-13T16:16:00.002-06:00

today is friday. today is friday. friday fish...yeah i still cant remember all of Mr Harveys song.

short story numero uno:

im driving on highway 14 today. between new ulm and sleepy eye heading towards new ulm. coming the other way is a garbage truck driven by what appears to be a pretty old man. following the garbage truck is a semi...and he is being an ass. hes riding the butt of the garbage truck. and i mean close. dangerously close. hes flashing his lights, his brights, his hazards. hes honking the airhorn. hes pumping his fist. so as i drive by i did the mature thing and yelled at the semi driver and gave him the finger. cause as far as i can tell, the garbage truck was just going too slow for the semi...so he was being an ass trying to get the poor old guy to move. (and yes, i do realize that the semi driver could not hear me yelling at him.) so, i keep driving. and im mad. it took me awhile to settle down about this. seriously, who does that? i get about 5 or so miles down the road and get this...theres a dumpster in the middle of the road. my guess is that its not supposed to be there. in fact it appears, based on its condition, that it may or may not have fallen off a...of i dunno, a garbage truck and maybe, just maybe, it might have been struck my a semi. so...mr semi driver may have been a little bit justified in trying to get little mr garbage truck to pull over. sorry about that whole middle finger thing!

short story numero dos:

wednesday. im in arlington for the 2nd time in two days due to a certain store employees mess up. i wont mention names. anyways...im in arlington. its like 12:01 PM and i am starving. so i decide im going to go to the ONE place that arlington has to eat...subway! Mmmm. subway. i walk in and find a line of literally about 15 people. i get in line and wait a long time. the 2 women working are working their butts off. they are obviously stressed already. it gets to the point where i am 3rd in line. one woman (2 spots ahead of me- lets call her Sally for the sake of the story) has almost completed her sandwich. shes just choosing her toppings. another woman (one spot in front of me. we'll call her Rhonda for the sake of this story) has just begun her sandwich making experience here at the magical land known as subway. i am waiting patiently to make my selection. everyone clear on the scene? another important point to make...the line behind me...still huge. maybe getting closer to 20 people. apparantly the entire population of arlington goes to subway for lunch.

ok...heres where it gets fun. remember Sally? well...some people walk in who seem to know Sally. and they dont seem to care that shes first in line with 20 people behind her. they are going to talk to her...and theyre going to do it NOW. god forbid they wait a minute...anyways...so they start to talk. remember Rhonda? she doesnt know ANY of these people but shes going to turn and STARE at them from a foot away as they talk. and i mean STARE. the rest of the world has apparantly gone away in Rhondas mind. so when the nice subway employee asks "what kind of cheese would you like?" Rhonda doesnt even realize shes being talked to. "excuse me, ma'am? what kind of cheese would you like?". i look at Rhonda...i can almost hear the breeze blowing. no idea shes being talked to. honestly its like she has no clue where she is. one more try from the nice subway employee. "ma'am? ma'am? cheese? ma'am". im standing close to rhonda. i say "excuse me...excuse me." she is LOCKED in a blank stare at this conversation thats going on. so subway employee gives up, walks up to the cash register and gets someone out the door. a few seconds later the other nice subway employee comes back to rhondas sandwich and picks it up to toast it. this gets rhondas attention. rhonda is not happy about this. "excuse me, but do i not get cheese on that? dont you usually offer cheese?". subway lady says "oh...im sorry i didnt realize she (other subway lady) hadnt put cheese on it yet"...rhonda is disgusted. "i cant believe you didnt even ask. who gets a sandwich without cheese?" you know that noise people make when theyre disgusted? rhonda made that more then a few times. she also rolled her eyes. i decided then, that i had no interest in befriending this...rhonda. rhonda finally makes it up to the register and begins ripping on the woman who originally helped her. and this friendly subway employee didnt know what to say. so she just stood there...and said nothing. she just turned red. finally i say "excuse me...she asked you 3 times what kind of cheese you wanted. but you were busy listening in on their conversation. so you didnt hear." i said it as nicely as something like that can be said. she rolls her eyes at me...makes that awesome disgusted sound...and says "oh no she did not ask me"...and another roll of the eyes...another disgusted sound...and a death look at the subway employee. so now im mad. poor subway lady. i say "i sat and watched her ask you three times if you wanted cheese...and you just stood there staring...theres 20 people in line...so she went to take care of people who were paying attention."... at this point i am called rude...and various other names...to which i reply "yeah, youre right...you are the center of the unniverse. im sorry."

seriously...how can you be that rude? better question...how can you be that blind to the fact that youre that rude?

more to come.

-february-

2009-02-01T00:18:00.001-06:00

...and the snow falls down

melts before it even

hits the ground

...and im standing here

listening

to the sound

of your hand washing

back and forth

across my filthy heart

...and i dont know

if i should say

im sorry or thank you

i tried to speak

but the tears choke the words

...and i think i finally know what they mean

when they talk about joy

-lyrics by christopher simpson-

-so very old-

2009-01-31T18:18:00.004-06:00

it is saturday evening. i am now looking at the clock trying to figure out how much longer i have to stay awake in order to be in bed at an acceptable time. im thinking 2 more hours. 8:15 is a good bed time on a saturday night, right? right?

i went out with some friends last night. some other friends and their bands played at the whats up. so we went. did the bar thing. drank too much too quick. overall the night was a blast though. i ran into a whole bunch of people that i dont get to see enough (if at all) anymore. some people there last night i hadnt seen in 5 or 6 years. crazy. there were lots of hugs and "how have you been"s. and lots of people buying other people drinks. which led to me going to bed VERY late. it must have been about 3 am by the time i laid down. i am NOT used to that anymore. my internal alarm clock decided to wake me up at about 5:30. sadly i was still feeling a bit tipsy at that time...but i managed to go back to sleep until 11. Mmmmm, sleeping in. what a STRANGE night of dreams i had.

anyways...at 11. i made some calls...tracked down my jeep. got it back and drove up to new prague to get chloe. whom i was missing soooo much. i NEED to get over this, but i can not go out for a night and leave her somewhere without feeling guilty about it. i sit and wonder how shes doing, if shes yelling "i want my daddy"...etc. so many of the people there last night are parents too and they all seem to be having a blast without worry. i had a blast, but NOT without worry. i hang out with a few people who are single parents and they still manage to get out alone once or twice a week. i dunno. last night, i just really realized that i miss my time with my friends. it seriously was sad to see people i used to know well...and to have them say "paul! i havent seen you in....years." has it seriously been years? wow. long story short...i want to get out more. BUT..i love my time at home too...or out and about with the kids.

an update on grandma rosie. round one of chemo is finished. today and tomorrow are kinda the high risk days as far as side effects kicking in. i stopped in to see her today and she was doing GREAT. shes happy. shes excited about chemo...she wants to be a "survivor"...so shes pumped. its cool to see. 2 more rounds in the next 2 weeks and then she gets a break. i hope she can keep this energy level and positive attitude up the entire way through this process. strangely...she is going through chemo...treatment for a cancer that would otherwise kill her...and this, today, is the best mood ive seen her in...possibly ever. way to go grandma. im very proud of you right now.

something is going on with my feet and lower back today. its weird. i never have back or feet issues. but today, i can barely walk. my feet are in a ton of pain. i dont have any idea whats going on. i must be walking differently to compensate and that seems to be causing pain in my lower back. all this my friends is proof of one thing...i am turning into an old man. one night out with my friends and my body is angry with me.

hey...funny story?

2009-01-29T19:43:00.003-06:00

i bought a new mp3 player the other day. the new one is great. i also found a great deal on a blackberry curve to replace my dying cell phone. (which has been a GREAT source of belly anger for me lately)...

heres the funny part of the story. last night i checked my old mp3 player. yeah, its working fine.

this morning i checked my cell phone...yeah, its working fine. (even that on demand program.) both are working like theyre new. here i sit with my replacement, and another coming in the mail. way to waste X amount of dollars paul!

-late night update-

2009-01-29T01:06:00.003-06:00

its 1 am right now. im so far beyond tired. i probably sould have just gone to bed at 10 like i planned...but, i did not. oh well.

i went to see my grandma over in peter town tonight. she has worked so hard these last 2 weeks. shes exercised and taken care of herself every day. she was so proud of herself tonight that she was glowing. its strange, cause her reward for all that hard work: chemo! im so proud of her for working so hard. and its so good to see her so proud of herself. but maybe we could come up with a better reward? tomorrow the chemo starts. prayers and thoughts to you, grandma.

my mp3 player broke this week. ive had it for years. i loved the little guy. it got wet. so...i waited 2 days hoping it would simply dry out. it did not. so i spent some money on a new one...and i love the new one. TONS of memory. more than i will ever need. so many bells and whistles. its insane how far weve come as far as formats go. boggles the brain. the funny news. i threw the old player in the closet...you know, just in case. checked it today just for fun. yeah, its working just fine. so...im an idiot. i cant live without my music though! i got impatient. i was due for an upgrade anyway. nah, i cant justify it...im an idiot.

my cell phone has also been fun. my facebook participation has been down because of it. sorry about that facebook friends. i ordered a new blackberry today. im excited about getting it. this phone i have, a samsung M520, i loved the 1st one i had...for a month...then the data functions started to go. (internet, on demand, gps...etc) started to fail...some failed completely. sprint people had no idea how to fix it...so they replaced it for free. i loved my phone and figured the malfunction was a fluke so i just got the same model. now, a month later. my data apps are failing. one has completely stopped working. so...i was told by support that the issue is obviously the phone. problem is that im outside of that one month window now and will not get the phone replaced for free. i am NOT paying for one of these just to have it fail again in a month. im paying for unlimited data...so no point in having a phone that cant handle data. so im upgrading. i got a GREAT deal on the phone. anyways...i checked tonight to see if the internet on my phone was working any better...its back to the way it was when i first got the phone. its fast, reliable...argh. i may have just gotten a phone i dont need. BUT...again, an upgrade might be fun. justification for this?..on demand still isnt working. SO- my phone is not fixed. I NEED the new one.

ive got the day off tomorrow. gonna spend it with chloe. im trying to decide if i want to hang out here...or go somewhere in town...or get outta town for the day. we'll see. im up later than i planned on being, so i probably wont feel like going anywhere tomorrow. it may turn into a nap day.

i should get to bed. yup, bed.

-a lull in traffic-

2009-01-25T12:04:00.003-06:00

just lonely, baby.
doesnt mean im looking for a friend.
ive got plenty and im still learning how
to lay down my life for them.

dont wanna find yourself
alone at 35
spending half what you make on your car
and hating that drive.

just crazy, maybe.
doesnt mean im looking for a cure.
ive got stability that scares you
cause its hard to believe when youre so sure.

no matter how different you are,
youre just like everybody else.
no matter how hard you try to fit in,
theres no one like you.

youre just like everybody else.
theres no one like you.
youre just like everybody else.

you will find you spend
a good deal of your time
sitting at red lights.

-christopher simpson (the gloria record)-

-engagement!-

2009-01-20T19:11:00.003-06:00

i just found out this week that my cousin Andy and his girlfriend Kim have gotten engaged and will be getting married this year! woo hoo. congrats you two! i am very honored to have been asked to be in the wedding. i will NOT be a brides maid though andy. dont even ask.

-hockey game-

2009-01-16T23:29:00.002-06:00

chloe got to go to her first hockey game tonight. she was so excited to go. she thought we were going up to the "big hockey game in the cities" and was kinda disappointed to have to settle for the "little hockey game in st peter". but i told her if she had fun at the gustavus game that i would take her to a wild game. good plan daddy, that'll only cost a couple hundred bucks. the things i do for girls, i tells ya. my uncle rick and his grandson josiah met us over at the game. good times were had...i may have eaten a lot of food. i dont remember. what is it about sporting events that make me feel the need to gain 20 pounds in one night? it makes NO sense.

so...grandma rosie's cancer. the doctors are now saying she needs chemo. BUT, if chemo were started today it would kill her. her heart is said to be running at 50%. they want to check her out again in 2 weeks to see at that time if things look better. but they told us that her heart condition is because of her age, so why would it be any better in 2 weeks? makes no sense to me. if chemo cant be done, the cancer will run its course within 2 years. and thats not even mentioning the fact that shes been on the verge of kidney failure for a bit now. so...whats best for her? do we really want to watch her spend her remaining days going through chemo? my vote is no.

grandma virginia was in alexandria as she died. she was far enough away for it to feel...almost fake i guess. grandpa tom was in the cities. he was far enough away. grandma rosie is in st peter. and has been a central part of my life at every stage along the way. this one is close. this one can not be fake. this one will happen as i watch. this one is hard. i went to visit her today for the 1st time since hearing the update. it was hard. there we sat visiting like always, with this horrible news just hanging out in the room. no one acknowledged it...no one should at this point, but there it is, just hanging out. my goal...lets help her to do this as easily as possible. and lets enjoy the time we have.

-cheer up charlie-

2009-01-13T21:16:00.002-06:00

i was just in the bathroom trimming up the beard and shaving the neck and all. fun stuff. naturally Chloe felt the need to watch. in the middle of the shaving she asked me where the water in the sink was going. i said down the drain. she asked where it went after that...i thought about it for a second and realized that a 4 year old probably wouldnt understand the full story of plumbing and all...so i gave her the tired daddy answer, "i dunno babe"...she pauses for a second and says "that water goes to the chocolate factory"...i was laughing too hard to argue. so if you are a buyer of wonka candy, beware...your candy products contain my beard trimmins, neck shavings...and yeah, probably my spit from when i brush my teeth. so...yeah. thought you might wanna know.

-wax ring-

2009-01-08T17:04:00.002-06:00

backing up my friends, i mentioned putting a new wax ring on my main floor toliet...

turns out its a really easy thing to do...but heres what bothered me. its 2009. when i was a kid i expected to be flying my car around my now...youre telling me that the only thing keeping my waste matter off of my floor and out of my basement is a frickin cake shaped ring of wax? wax? are you kidding me. seems to me there should be better options out there by now. its frickin 2009! wax?... wax?!

-bad day-

2009-01-07T13:16:00.003-06:00

no matter how bad your day went today, this did NOT happen to you. (and yes, this is a real picture...and yes it really did happen to someone)

yesterday was a good day

2009-01-06T19:32:00.002-06:00

i said yesterday that if i managed to make it through the day without falling that i would call it a good day. yesterday was a good day. today was good for about an hour. my right knee cap is now bruised. today was NOT a good day. i had me a little fall. i fell so hard that all i could do was thank god i hit my knee instead of my face. but now my knee hurts, so...

ive written some posts here titled "why im an idiot"...basically describing how helpless i am when it comes to house work. my efforts always end in the job not getting done...tools being thrown...and phone calls being made to other, more able people. heres a different kind of story friends. my toilet was leaking last week. i realized ON MY OWN that the wax seal was leaking. so i made a call. please come put a new wax seal on for me, i said. i went to menards and bought one. my helper never showed up so i decided to give it a go. tools were thrown, a few choice words were said...BUT the end result: my toilet is working, and is not leaking. im not going to claim i feel secure with my work. ive checked at least a dozen times to make sure its not leaking again. both in bathroom, and in the basement below. so far, so good. i am no longer helpless. i am helpless minus one.

the slowing economy is hitting closer to home. ive already had to go to a few different places to pick up their tanks due to the business/department closing, and now there are more customers telling me of hard times. anyways, because of all that we have done some restructuring...people have been let go. today they told us we will no longer be working ANY overtime. this is going to cost me about 400 to 500 bucks a month. things are going to tighten up. it sucks. all signs are pointing to things getting worse before they get better. so what that means to my job, i dont know. i feel lucky to have a job...but i feel stressed about this darkness seemingly closing in closer to home. im tired of hearing the economic news. im tired of my house value dropping every month, while my loan balance goes no where. and im frickin tired of being sick! how long can a cold last. i honestly thought i was better...then it just came back again.

tonight. im going to try to get to sleep early and get a good, full nights sleep. i said try. thats all i can do.

i seriously REALLY wanted to go to seattle this summer. argh.

-doctors-

2009-01-04T11:11:00.001-06:00

yesterday was a reminder of why i never go to the doctor. stupid doctors.

i hadnt been to the doctor at all in about 3 years or so. since i had mono. yesterday i decided to go. i know i just have a bad cold, but i was starting to feel like i might have a sinus infection or pneumonia. so i went into urgent care. the stupid doctor said "so youve only been sick for 5 or 6 days with a cold and youre coming in?" anyways, after being a dink he gave me a prescription for some meds. ive taken it like 3 times now and its helping a lot. last night i almost felt 100%, but i woke up this morning feeling worse again. not as bad as i did a couple days ago...but still not too good. blah! i just want it to go away.

today, im going over to peterland to watch the vikings game at my dads. my gut tells me theyre going to get their butts kicked. hopefully i am wrong. im so tired of watching MN sports teams lose in the 1st round of the playoffs. its getting old. especially since fans around here are so used to it that we consider it an accomplishment to just make the playoffs. MN, the land of lowered expectations.

its like a skating rink outside today. we got some freezing rain and it just coated the roads and sidewalks. what a mess. i have nothing good to say about that.

come to think of it...i dont really have a whole lot to say today.

-happy new year all-

2008-12-31T21:53:00.002-06:00

10 pm, new years eve! dylan is staying at his aunts house. chloe is staying at her grandmas house. all is in order for paul to go out partying. except for this whole sickness thing. there will be no partying for paul tonight friends. oh the fun we could have had. instead here i sit listening to music and playing online poker. yes, poker has been kind to me tonight, thank you so much for asking.

last night i took some night time cold medicine. have i mentioned that that kind of thing makes me hallucinate? yeah cause it does. i swear the bathroom sink was running full blast for an hour. when i finally got up to SPAZ on whoever was wasting all that water i found everyone in bed...and no water running. i also heard my mom talking on the phone to someone...(i could only hear her side of the conversation) she was explaining to whoever it was that i have cancer and that i only have 8 weeks to live. this was of course news to me...at some point i realized night time cold meds are not for me. it was kind of a funny night though.

no work until monday. the plan was to go in for a bit on friday. but with this sickness, i quickly changed my mind. ive got a floater coming, i might as well use it. i just hope im not sick all weekend.

anyways. not much to talk about, just wanted to say happy new year to everyone. so, happy new year! all my best to you and your family in the coming year. except for you neely. only SOME of my best to you. at least until you get rid of that beard.

heres some new years themed music for your enjoyment.

new year

-sickness-

2008-12-30T11:33:00.004-06:00

i am home from work today! chloe had a rough night last night. she was coughing and all all day yesterday. 7 pm she falls asleep on the couch. so i picked her up, got her all ready for bed and we laid down in my room. i was asleep by 8! 8 o'clock was last nights goal, and it was met. BUT the joy did not last. 11 pm Chloe wakes up and is just hacking. her nose is running all over the place. (one my clever readers may be tempted at this point to ask if i caught it) the worst part though, her fever. holy crap. she wanted to cuddle up to me, but she was seriously so hot that her heat would make me sweat. so i gave her some medicine with fever reducer. 1 am, were still laying there awake. so i took her temp. 102. and that was after the fever reducer had kicked in.

by 3 am i realized she would not be going to daycare. and i realized i would not be going to work. its already a short week this week. i have 3 days to do 5 days worth of work. the timing of this couldnt be much worse. but thankfully, my uncle Rick is my back up driver and he was able to cover for me today. so...i will be ok. i just hope she is feeling better by tomorrow, or that someone else is willing to take her for the day.

chloes birthday went well. chritmas get togethers all went well. there are so many new toys around the house that its almost absurd. i wish i had Chloe's reaction to her new jeep on tape. it was so fun to watch. we wrapped the battery and when she opened it we told her that there must be a piece missing. she walked into the living room and saw the jeep and just froze up...she made some weird noises, smiled and got all excited. it was cute.

Ill probably add some pics to flickr too. ive got time. (i tried to add some pictures to flickr, but flickr is down. oh well. some other time i guess)

happy new year to all in case i dont get back on here before then!

-new Xmas 08 photos on Flickr!-

2008-12-25T10:26:00.004-06:00

Last Christmas - Jimmy Eat World

-tomorrow is heartbreak-

2008-12-21T19:25:00.002-06:00

Bitter ex it must feel better
Holding that grudge
It's a feeling so familiar
Not unlike love
Unrequited she's scarred in hatred

Yesterday's moving

It's easier to locate
A better nest
Tell them you never lived in such a mess

Emily at her best in black
Reminds them all to stand back
At a distance they won't notice the act
All that she lacks
You can see up close she's bitter
Remembering wasted dinners
Can't expect the creep to stay long
But he's not the one who pissed her off

Today is denial

It's easier if she won't see him again
He's just another trip best forgotten

Emily may be odd
But she always gets even

It's not unlike love

Emily will find him again
Another short-term boyfriend
Emily, you'll always be alone

Tomorrow is heartbreak

So bitter ex
I'm sorry
Sorry I bit that hook
I'm just a bad cliche in your black book

-joey cape- (lagwagon)

i cant stop listening to this song lately...

tired typos

2008-12-20T00:04:00.002-06:00

i probably shouldnt be blogging now. im tired. its been a long day. if this post doesnt make any sense, its because im...yeah, tired.

got up this morning at about 4:30 am...wait, wait back up. thursday night i managed to fall asleep shortly before 9. i woke up about 2 hours later with a frickin migraine. so i took some migraine meds and soaked in the tub waiting for the pills to do their job. which they did. so, by 1 am i was asleep again. alarm goes off at 4:30 and i almost chucked it out the window. i got up and looked outside to see another 4 inches of fresh snow on top of the 80,657 inches we already have out there. i sat and drank about 4 cups of coffee. (have i mentioned the deepening relationship coffee and i have lately? we used to spend time together 4 or 5 times a year. this winter our relationship has progressed. we are now on a multiple cups a day basis. friends, thats swell.) ummm, where was i?...oh yeah, i got in the jeep yet to be named with its fancy new tires, which by the way do NOT make me breakfast, and i drove over to peterland. i drove my grams and gramps back to the mankato hospital for my grandmas surgery. from there i came home to find chloe already awake. had been since 5:30. my poor mom was already up with her. sorry mom. i shoveled the side walk and went to work. got to work at 6...left work at 1. came home and laid down to take a nap. only to get another frickin headache. but i managed to sleep for an hour or so. after that...it was outback steak house in burnsville, and then up to the wild game in st paul. they won 4-1. which is good, cause those tickets are not cheap. my feeling is this: if you spend 220 bucks on 2 tickets to a game you have earned to right to pummel the home team if they lose. little do they know i was prepared to deliver said pummeling...luckily for them they decided to win.

ever wondered what a run on paragraph looks like? see above.

anyways...grandmas surgery. all went well. shes just fine. BUT the cancer is in the lymph nodes. so...radiation is almost a certainity. poor grandma. shes had so many problems this last year or so. i just want things to slow down for her and for my grandpa. its too much weight for him too. i can see it in his eyes. please god, just give them a break for a bit. just for a bit.

woke up kinda out of it from my nap. got the news about the radiation shortly there after. so ive just felt kinda out of it all night. kind of a 'im not really here' feeling. preoccupied i guess.

heres something about life that i feel like i understand in ways, but at the same time i really dont get it. if you were abused in a past relationship why do you feel the need to protect yourself from me who would not and has not abused you? if you were cheated on in the past why does that affect your trust in me who has not and would not cheat? when this comes up i wanna just say "hey its me, paul. i have not and will not do these things to you."...and i want it to stick. all that crap in the past?...it was someone else..and its over. BUT at the same time, i totally understand it now...cause you might abandon me too. you didnt do it to me before. but you might. it seems so unfair that the actions of a few can affect so many relationships. it seemed so easy to let people in at twenty. but now at thirty tw...i mean 25, it seems so much more complicated. for ME even! and not only that, i can spend time with someone and get to know them a little bit, and i can totally understand why theyre scared to let me in. even though i know i would never do the things they are scared of...i can see why theyre scared. trust and faith are so fragile. and weve become so careless with them. its been far too plain to me lately how fragile these things are...and how evasive they are. the hardest thing for me is how hard it is the rebuild these things once theyve been burned down. thats a whole other post for a different day...

goodnight.

prince to pablo part 2

2008-12-18T06:19:00.003-06:00

mr neely, the bearded wonder, liked this prince sequence better then the one i posted earlier. what do YOU think?

bush the shoe dodger

2008-12-17T19:07:00.001-06:00

just in case you missed. here it is. bush has got some reflexes!

-pablo el slacker-

2008-12-13T20:06:00.008-06:00

i have been neglecting my blog lately. well...blogs in general. i havent been writing...i know, i know, i am a terrible blog friend. my apologies to you...and to yours. yesterday i received an email that told me my claim to www.iampabloeh.com is up right around christmas time. so i paid my 10 bucks and the address is now mine for another year. that got me to thinkin, if im paying 10 bucks just to have the address, i should probably get back into the habit of updating from time to time. and with outdoor temperatures approaching absolute zero, my motivation to leave the house is only going to drop. i just have to make sure im involved in some sort of weekly wacky adventure so you, one of my three regular readers, are entertained.

today is saturday. my cousin andy graduated from college! congrats to andy. he had a little get together at his parents house over in petertown. we of course went. the other good news from today? cousin sam and his wife maggie are going to have a baby! she is about 13 weeks along! sam told me today and i almost screamed with excitement. congrats to them! they will be great parents.

the jeep yet to be named has a new set of tires, and my check book is $516 lighter because of it. you'd figure spending that much would get me a set of tires that makes me breakfast and gives me back rubs right? i already tried on the back rub and i was denied, tomorrow morning i will give the breakfast thing a shot. if it doesnt work, i spent too much on frickin tires.

other then that? not too much going on today. i cleaned the house. while i was wiping down the kitchen counters chloe accidently knocked over a cactus. i saw it falling out of the corner of my eye and my reflexes got a little bossy. i grabbed the thing. and i mean quick...and hard. for those of you who dont know, cacti (plural for cactus...seriously, look it up) are violent little plants. i spent the next 15 minutes picking little miniature fish hooks out of my hand flesh. i still have one in the palm of my left hand. once i was done with the cactus removal, i picked up the wash rag i was using and again began to clean. problem with that is i had some tiny little holes in my hand...and they must have just welcomed that mr clean right on in. how refreshing!

anyways. theres an update. i will try to be more on the ball with this thing, but i make no promises.

-loooooong weekend!-

2008-12-01T10:00:00.003-06:00

this weekend has been a fun one, with something going on every single day. thursday was of course thanksgiving and we spent almost all day at my grandparents house in peterland. saturday we went to the cities to see grandma Bonnie. last night the vikings actually beat the bears to take over 1st place. no seriously, they won. i know its weird. now it is monday. normally i would have something witty to say about it...but i have monday and tuesday off this week. so i wish monday no ill will. tonight i get to go to the wild game. we have tickets 4 rows up from the wild bench. $85 tickets provided by praxair. thanks praxair. should be good times. this will be my 1st ever wild game so im kind of excited. i have been to xcel for a maverick/gopher game and for a houston aeros game. (the wilds minor league team) but never for a wild game. so a woo and a hoo for me.

the surprising news of the weekend. my nap total. i have 6 total days off...the nap total so far... 1. just 1. strangely i have no plans to take any more. hm.

-happy days-

2008-11-25T16:09:00.001-06:00

not to much going on here...but i just wanted to take the time to wish my 3 regular readers a happy and safe thanksgiving!

-stock market-

2008-11-20T20:22:00.002-06:00

someone i know was telling me today that he's lost $150,000 in the stock market in the last year. insane...mid 2007 he was talking about retiring "when the market breaks 15,000. at that point it was a little over 14,100. today? it closed at about 7552.

i jus found these numbers. thought they were interesting. how low is this thing gonna go anyway???

The Dow closed at 7,552.29 today.

The Dow is down 444.99 points, or 5.56 percent, today.

It is the Dow's biggest point-drop since November 5.

It is the Dow's biggest percent-drop since October 22.

The Dow is off 19.01 percent so far this month.

The Dow is down 872.46 points, or 10.36 percent, in the last two days.

It is the biggest two-day point-drop since the two days ending November 6.

It is the biggest two-day percent-drop since the two days ending October 20, 1987.

It is the Dow's lowest closing value since March 12, 2003.

The Dow is off 6,612.24 points, or 46.68 percent, from its record close of 14,164.53 — reached on October 9, 2007.

Year-to-date, the Dow is off 43.07 percent.

(Source: Dow Jones Indexes Media Relations)

-just an update-

2008-11-20T20:01:00.002-06:00

my grandma had an appoinment with a cancer specialist on wednesday. the news is not the best news. the cancer is growing faster than expected, and requires surgery within the next 6 weeks. (it makes me mad that they wait 3 weeks to get her in. "oh its growing faster than we thought it would"...really? maybe you shouldn't have waited 3 weeks to look at it then!) anyways, her and my grandpa have to decide if they just want to take the lump out, or if they want to take the entire breast. if they only take the lump theres a better chance of her needing chemo...so...the choice has to be made, the surgery has to be done and we just wait and see. so please keep my grandma in your prayers. thanks.

-bathrobe-

2008-11-17T12:47:00.002-06:00

i was having a hard time getting Chloe to take baths. the other night we were up at target and they had these disney bathrobes. so i bought her one. since then, 4 baths in a day and a half. i am daddy genius.

-song of the week-

2008-11-09T01:52:00.004-06:00

I Can Feel A Hot One - Manchester Orchestra

this weeks song of the week is "i can feel a hot one" by manchester orchestra. im going to post the lyrics. you are going to read them. and then for fun youre going to leave a comment. tell me what you think the song means. come on...itll be fun.

"I could feel a hot one taking me down
For a moment, I could feel the force
Fainted to the point of tears
And you were holding on to make a point
What's the point?

I'm but a clean man, stable and alone man
Make it so I won't have to try
The faces always stay the same
So I face the fact that I'm just fine
I said that I'm just fine

I remember, head down,
After you'd found out
Manna is a hell of a drug
I need a little more, I think
Because enough is never quite enough
What's enough?

I took it like a grown man crying on the pavement
Hoping you would show your face
But I haven't heard a thing you've said
In at least a couple hundred days
What'd you say?

I was in the front seat, shaking it out
And I was asking if you felt alright
And I never want to hear the truth
I want to hear your voice is sounding fine
My voice is sounding fine

I could feel my heartbeat taking me down
And for the moment, I would sleep alright
Invading with a selfish fear
To keep me up another restless night
Another restless night

The blood was dry, it was sober
The feeling of audible cracks
And I could tell it was over
From the curtains that hung from your neck
And I realized it then, you were perfect
With my teeth ripping out of my head
And it looked like a painting I once knew
Back when my thoughts were not entirely intact
So i prayed for what I thought were angels
Ended up being ambulances

And the Lord showed me dreams of my daughter
She was crying inside your stomach

And I felt love again"

-bleepity bleep of a week-

2008-11-09T01:15:00.003-06:00

this last week was not good. in fact, it could even be called bad. (i have other names for it...but i want to keep a PG rating) im not even gonna get into the details cause im just doing my best to let it go and move on. but...it was not a good week. so far this weekend is going much better.

today...chloe woke me up around 9. we got up, got dressed, jumped in the jeep yet to be named and drove up to the MN ZOO. we have been to the zoo 1,134,616 times now. but, for whatever reason, chloe was super excited to see the animals today. she even got a really cool half hour extreme close up of a swimming russian brown bear. these things are huge! seriously. she was nose to nose with it, running back and forth with it, as it swam back and forth just inches away from her. the pictures i could have taken, if only i hadnt left the camera sitting in the jeep. youre just going to have to try to imagine it. seeing it? kinda cool huh? huh? ah forget it.

the zoo trip ended with a half hour of watching baby snow monkeys beat the snot out of each other. chloe named all of them. "grandma monkey. grandpa monkey. grandma monkey. daddy monkey. baby monkey. fabio." ok...one of those was made up. you can guess which one. huh? huh? forget it.

after the zoo it was off to burnsville...when we got to town chloe asked me what town we were in. i told her burnsville. she is now convinced that mr burns from the simpsons lives there. she was mad that we didnt see him. anyways...we met my parents and my grandpa at outback steakhouse. Mmmm...outback. its my grandpas birthday. happy b-day gramps. it may have been the best meal ive ever had. cheesey fries with seasoned sour cream, potato soup, steak and garlic mashed potatoes. Mmmm. and yes, i did get a little fatter.

after eating we went shopping at the burnsville mall. mr burns was not there either. chloe was not impressed. (she did like the puppies though)

we left the mall around 7 or so and i was nice and tired from a long day of walking and driving all over the place. so...i got myself a nice large latte from starbucks. i stopped and got another one an hour or so later. it is now 1:30 am and i havent slept at all yet. stupid starbucks. foul temptress.

on the way home chloe said "daddy, i dont want you to be my daddy anymore. i want you to be my boyfriend". i told her i just wasnt ready for a relationship right now. i think i broke her heart. but better to be honest with her, right? huh? eh.

-happy halloween-

2008-11-01T10:45:00.003-05:00

-from faith to funny-

2008-10-30T16:14:00.003-05:00

the doctors found a lump in my grandmas breast a couple weeks ago. weve been waiting ever since then to find out exactly what that means. we finally found out yesterday. and as my grandpa said "its not good news". it is cancer. so now what? we wait again to find out what that means. her kidneys are dangerously close to failure, and have been for some time. so weve known for a bit that its "a matter a time". and now cancer. the good news is they think it was found early, and they dont think its in her blood. so, maybe surgery will take care of it. she has another appointment on the 19th of november. "hey...you have cancer...wait a few weeks to find out what that means." ok, thanks doctors. i found out yesterday not too long after getting home from work, so chloe and i drove over to peterland to see her. just before leaving grandma hugged me and said "god can heal me, you guys just all need to pray a lot"...so, your prayers would be appreciated, if you could.

anyways...i was exhausted last night. i was ready to just crash by about 9. so...i got myself and chloe ready for bed but quickly realized she was not tired and not about to go to sleep. so i told her to come lay down with me. she did. i put in a simpons dvd, selected "play all episodes" and set the sleep timer on the tv for 90 minutes. i figured she would watch and episode or 2 and fall asleep long before the tv turned off. i must have fallen asleep in about 5 minutes. i woke up at about 12:30 am in a daze. (if i am woken up in the middle of the night...i am OUT OF IT. really bad) anyways, its 12:30, chloe is sitting on the edge of the bed still watching the simpsons. shes not even laying down! i told her it was time for bed, reached for the remote and tried to turn the tv off. nothing. i pushed the power button again...nothing. i ask "what did you do to the remote?" she giggles. i ask again. she shows me her hand...with 2 double A batteries in it. seriously, she is too smart.

-song of the week-

2008-10-28T21:10:00.009-05:00

-FALLEN-

yesterdays are numbered

in many ways we could see the fall coming

but lull prolonged,

some will never belong

so children age into prisons

they establish shame with their poor inheritance

they build covert roads

some become addiction

suspicion, in position

yeah it's bound to happen

i guess i thought you were going to be around

going to be rewound

but you were honest

i know you did the best one can

fallen

people speak of demons

they simplify the life that haunted you my friend

they rationalize trouble-free hypothesis

he's broken, too damaged, but bravely profound

i guess i thought you were going to astound

going to stand your ground

but you were full of pride

i know it killed you to fail them

fallen

hey, dog boy

the whistmas souls would deploy

you needed them, believed in them

it's better to pretend

i guess i thought it was your rising

your long drawn out win

cause you were on it

i know you did the best one can

i thought you'd be around

i thought you'd be rewound

but everyone succumbs to sound

we are all fallen

-lagwagon-

-puffy (now with corrected links!)

2008-10-25T19:31:00.006-05:00

since i drive for a living i listen to a lot of music, and a lot of radio. mainly KFAN. (MN sports radio) ive been listening to PA and Dubay ever since they started on KFAN back in the late 90's. i knew Dubay had been through a really rough run over the last couple years, but didnt suspect for a minute that he was into drugs. weird. heres the news story. this guy has been through too much. hes basically lost everything in the last 2 years. his wife left with everything...hes been in a ton of debt...and now hes done this to himself. im honestly worried about his well being at this point. prayers and thoughts to jeff dubay.

and heres (link corrected- sorry, im an idiot) the type of story i am frickin sick of hearing about. 3 guys follow a girl at valleyscare (valleyfair around halloween)...ask for her number. she says no...so they beat the crap out of her and attempt to rape her. what the hell is wrong with boys? she said no...just walk away. the good news from this story: strangers actually stepped in and stopped the assault. theres been far too many stories lately where other people have done nothing to help. hopefully more people will start standing up to this crap. people like this, these boys, need to be locked up for life. im so sick of reading stories like this.

today...i cleaned the house. cleaned the jeep. ran to the mall for a bit. went to schietels for guitar strings. restrung my acoustic. thought about restringing my electric, but quickly changed my mind on that one. made a walmart run. i was looking forward to watching game 3 of the world series tonight. wouldnt you know it, a rain delay! woo hoo. what to do, what to do?

oh...and a ps. i am the proud owner of a brand spankin new washing machine. thats right kids. the tub on the old one started to leak all over my basement. friends, why wouldnt it? so...430 bucks for a new one. which i was of course thrilled to spend on such things. what else would i rather do with my hard earned money? well...i show up for work anyway. ok, ok...i usually show up for work. more often then not anyway. in all seriousness though i was really impressed with meyer and sons. i walked in there at about 3:30 on friday afternoon and they had it to my house by 4...on friday afternoon. set up and ready to go. im gonna have a washing machine warming party at my house. we'll all just sit around and talk machines a little bit. you know. tumbling and all. rinse cycle. gosh, its gonna be a blast. no neelys though. neelys and new washing machines are a terrible combination.