"a flame never burned as hot as the one that i lit today"

i got the new tattoo! it took a whole 15 or 20 minutes and cost me 80 bucks. here it be. (the carebear in the backround seems to like it)

friday night fun

Its Friday night, about 8 or so. Its still a little light out and the Schwann's man just came a knockin at the door. Everyone in the house is already in bed. We're a wild bunch here. I'm sure the neighbors will be calling the cops with noise complaints.

Chloe is having another pretty bad day. She just isn't listening to anyone. And then throwing fits when she doesn't get her way. Everyone talks about the "terrible twos". She was so good at 2! 3 was a little harder, but not bad at all. Now at 4, she's definitely a challenge at times. Its just a nonstop power struggle. She must have been overtired tonight, cause she is out cold. Has been since about 7:45. I'm just laying here next to her listening to my mp3 player and punching this up on my phone. Good ole phone has almost replaced the computer. Almost.
Tomorrow. I MIGHT be getting my new tattoo. Sam is coming over and we're gonna head down early. We'll try to get in tomorrow. If we can't we're gonna try to schedule something for april 10th since we both have that day off of work. I'm still excited to have a new one, but I'm torn now on where to put it. Must decide, must...decide.

The rest of the weekend I don't really have anything planned. I have to clean the house tomorrow. Holy disaster. Its the worst I've seen it in a long time. Should be a blasty blast. I was going to start tonight but I decided "eh". Yeah..."Eh"

My planned Chicago trip is starting to come together. Pat Rew is going to meet me there and go to Saturdays Twins/Cubs game at Wrigley. I bought us tickets online this week. We just have to book a hotel for the weekend. I'm gonna drive down Thursday and drive back Sunday. I wanted to stay longer but I have to work on Monday. I'm not too excited about driving alone, but oh well. Its alone time with my music I guess. I'm excited to see Chicago for the first time, and especially excited to see Wrigley. Should be fun.
April 10th I am going to a Wild game with Ms Molly Bloom. We got tickets at center ice, 10 rows up. Should be a lot of fun. They're playing Memphis. Both teams are in a close race for the last playoff spot, so this could be a big game. And yes, I will eat a lot of sporting event food. Mmmmm.

We had an open house at work today. Well, tomorrow too I guess. It was NUTS there today. Soooo many people. Vendors brought in welders and plasma cutters and all to demo. They were set up inside and outside. New ulm highschool bused in 30 some kids to check stuff out. Lots of customers were in and out all day.

My 40 hours were up at noon today so I picked up Chloe at daycare and we went out to lunch with my grandpa. We went to the new place in kato...used to be timberlodge...ugh, I'm blanking. It was really good. But dang it, I miss timberlodge so much. I loved timberlodge! My poor broken heart.

Ok. I'm rambling.

second winds

Ugh. What a day it was. Its Monday, and to be honest I woke up this morning feeling ok with that fact. Its just another day, and my route looked pretty easy. On paper anyway. And it was easy until my last stop. This stupid stop has been a HUGE problem from day one. I've had countless talks with salesmen, supervisors, safety coordinators, etc and we've all agreed that this stop is not at all safe, and at times its flat out not possible to make the delivery, yet NOTHING has gotten done about it until today. Many months later finally something has gotten done. In a way its a relief, but in a another way its angering that it took this long. I've risked my safety every time I've gone there all winter and nobody cared enough to make sure something changed. Anyways- today was the last day of doing things the old way there. So what happens? My truck gets stuck in the mud. A 30,000 pound truck and it sunk a couple feet in the mud. I honestly thought it was going to be stuck there until the ground hardened in a month or so. I thought there was NO shot of getting it out. But I shoveled mud back into my own tire tracks and rocked it back and forth until it finally broke free. It honestly felt like a minor miracle. If you could have seen it stuck I guarantee you would have said "you are not getting that outta there". But woo hoo! Its out. My shoes and pants are 75% mud, but my truck is out.

Tonight. Chloe and I laid down at 8:30 or so. She fell asleep by 9. I dozed off for a little bit but woke up here at 10 feeling wide awake. Why do I get these second winds? Why can't I get them earlier in the day? I feel so tired all day that I look forward to sleeping, but then it gets to be this time of night and I just don't wanna sleep all of a sudden. I end up laying here listening to music and catching up on online stuff until midnight and then it just makes me more tired the next day. Oh well I guess.

So...I've been having some pretty strong thoughts about God, faith and religion and all that fun stuff. Its no secret that I've been through some "trials and tribulations" over the last few years. I don't think I've really discussed too much what its done to my faith. Both in people and in God. I'm not really sure that I'm ready to really break things down or confess what I sometimes feel or think. But these thoughts are a constant for me lately.

"Never will I leave or forsake you" feels like a broken marriage vow to me. Because for the most part I feel that God has left. Having someone walk out on you is hard enough, but when its someone who promised you they would never leave...its so much harder. After they're gone you can still hear the promise. And it hurts. The world feels and looks pretty godless to me right now and to be honest my life feels and looks about the same. It feels like my best friend just up and moved away without warning and without saying goodbye. And here I am in need of that friend. Making calls, sending messages of all kinds, and getting no reply. Just reminders, some subtle and some brutal, that God is not watching out for me anymore. I'm on my own.

And like any break up, there's the questions. Why did he leave me? What about me didn't he like? What did I do wrong? But I know that once someone makes up their mind to leave, there's no changing it back. Why would I want someone around who doesn't want to be there anyway? I won't beg for you to stay. I won't chase you as you run away. I won't seek while you hide. Now is not the time for games. It just isn't.

blog neglect

i have almost forgotten that i have this thing lately. honestly, i just dont feel like taking the time to type things out. its easier to twitter every once in awhile. oh no, my laziness has now spread into the internet world! ahhh! but, ive always loved having this thing to here to write on. and to go back to at different times to remind myself of where ive been.

so where have i been lately? hmm. grandma rosie is losing her hair. i hate that about chemo. its just hair and i keep reminding myself of that. but its just the in your face visual reminder that this person you care about is fighting cancer. but...shes over half way done with the chemo. and all things considered, shes handling it all very well.

chloe has been a little demon lately. shes just very rebellious. she doesnt listen. so i punish her...then she throws a fit about the punishment. its a fun cycle. but...it needs to be done consistently. so i try to do just that. shes come up with some really great noises to make when shes frustrated though. it makes it hard not to laugh at her sometimes. dylan cant seem to tell the truth anymore. im at a loss lately on what to tell the kid to help him see the importance of his word. ideas?

work has been a challenge lately. no more overtime! but workload is still enough where i could use an extra few hours in my work week. today my 40 was up...my truck wasnt unloaded from todays route...so it wasnt loaded for mondays route. and mondays route is a big one. i left trying to figure out what the heck im going to do. BUT, its friday now. i'll worry about that when the week starts over again.

im trying to get a trip to chicago planned and worked out for mid june. the twins play the cubs at wrigley and i really wanna go to see wrigley...and chicago. why have i never been there? quite a few of my friends are planning on going. it could be a really fun mini vacation. i just hope i can make it happen.

tonight? a friends band is playing. so im leaving here in an hour or so to go downtown to meet some friends, have some food at bw3's, have a few drinks and see some music. it'll be nice to get out. im feeling a little bit of stress this week. (thanks Sarah for the night off tonight.)

ive got an itch for tattoos lately. i have one forsure planned out. its just been too hectic lately to get it done. but soon. i wanna come up with another idea or 2 and try to get 2 or 3 new ones this year. we'll see.

and mom, i love you. :)

sweet sweet chloe

Tonight Chloe and I drove over to peterland to see my grandma. I decided to stop at my grandpas to see if he wanted to go eat quick. He did! Imagine that. So the 3 of us went to country kitchen. Mmmm. About halfway through the meal Chloe knocked her full glass of COLD apple juice directly on to my lap. I didn't see it coming and let out a high pitched "ooooh!" It looked like I wet myself. It felt like I wet myself. Except it was freezing cold. She of course thought it was hilarious. At that time I did not. Now? Yeah its pretty funny.

Anyways we left to drive gramps back home. On the way to his house Chloe was in the back in her seat praying. "Dear Jesus I pray with all my heart that me and my daddy could come up to the sky tonight to see you and grandma Ginia and grandpa Tom. Please let us come to heaven tonight, me and my daddy." I wanted to ask her to stop, you know just in case God feels obligated to grant cute 4 year olds their misguided wishes, but it was too cute. The good news: we did not get in a car accident. My thought before impact woulda been "yeah, that's a good one God. You're a funny God."