-so very old-

it is saturday evening. i am now looking at the clock trying to figure out how much longer i have to stay awake in order to be in bed at an acceptable time. im thinking 2 more hours. 8:15 is a good bed time on a saturday night, right? right?

i went out with some friends last night. some other friends and their bands played at the whats up. so we went. did the bar thing. drank too much too quick. overall the night was a blast though. i ran into a whole bunch of people that i dont get to see enough (if at all) anymore. some people there last night i hadnt seen in 5 or 6 years. crazy. there were lots of hugs and "how have you been"s. and lots of people buying other people drinks. which led to me going to bed VERY late. it must have been about 3 am by the time i laid down. i am NOT used to that anymore. my internal alarm clock decided to wake me up at about 5:30. sadly i was still feeling a bit tipsy at that time...but i managed to go back to sleep until 11. Mmmmm, sleeping in. what a STRANGE night of dreams i had.

anyways...at 11. i made some calls...tracked down my jeep. got it back and drove up to new prague to get chloe. whom i was missing soooo much. i NEED to get over this, but i can not go out for a night and leave her somewhere without feeling guilty about it. i sit and wonder how shes doing, if shes yelling "i want my daddy"...etc. so many of the people there last night are parents too and they all seem to be having a blast without worry. i had a blast, but NOT without worry. i hang out with a few people who are single parents and they still manage to get out alone once or twice a week. i dunno. last night, i just really realized that i miss my time with my friends. it seriously was sad to see people i used to know well...and to have them say "paul! i havent seen you in....years." has it seriously been years? wow. long story short...i want to get out more. BUT..i love my time at home too...or out and about with the kids.

an update on grandma rosie. round one of chemo is finished. today and tomorrow are kinda the high risk days as far as side effects kicking in. i stopped in to see her today and she was doing GREAT. shes happy. shes excited about chemo...she wants to be a "survivor"...so shes pumped. its cool to see. 2 more rounds in the next 2 weeks and then she gets a break. i hope she can keep this energy level and positive attitude up the entire way through this process. strangely...she is going through chemo...treatment for a cancer that would otherwise kill her...and this, today, is the best mood ive seen her in...possibly ever. way to go grandma. im very proud of you right now.

something is going on with my feet and lower back today. its weird. i never have back or feet issues. but today, i can barely walk. my feet are in a ton of pain. i dont have any idea whats going on. i must be walking differently to compensate and that seems to be causing pain in my lower back. all this my friends is proof of one thing...i am turning into an old man. one night out with my friends and my body is angry with me.

hey...funny story?

i bought a new mp3 player the other day. the new one is great. i also found a great deal on a blackberry curve to replace my dying cell phone. (which has been a GREAT source of belly anger for me lately)...

heres the funny part of the story. last night i checked my old mp3 player. yeah, its working fine.

this morning i checked my cell phone...yeah, its working fine. (even that on demand program.) both are working like theyre new. here i sit with my replacement, and another coming in the mail. way to waste X amount of dollars paul!

-late night update-

its 1 am right now. im so far beyond tired. i probably sould have just gone to bed at 10 like i planned...but, i did not. oh well.

i went to see my grandma over in peter town tonight. she has worked so hard these last 2 weeks. shes exercised and taken care of herself every day. she was so proud of herself tonight that she was glowing. its strange, cause her reward for all that hard work: chemo! im so proud of her for working so hard. and its so good to see her so proud of herself. but maybe we could come up with a better reward? tomorrow the chemo starts. prayers and thoughts to you, grandma.

my mp3 player broke this week. ive had it for years. i loved the little guy. it got wet. so...i waited 2 days hoping it would simply dry out. it did not. so i spent some money on a new one...and i love the new one. TONS of memory. more than i will ever need. so many bells and whistles. its insane how far weve come as far as formats go. boggles the brain. the funny news. i threw the old player in the closet...you know, just in case. checked it today just for fun. yeah, its working just fine. so...im an idiot. i cant live without my music though! i got impatient. i was due for an upgrade anyway. nah, i cant justify it...im an idiot.

my cell phone has also been fun. my facebook participation has been down because of it. sorry about that facebook friends. i ordered a new blackberry today. im excited about getting it. this phone i have, a samsung M520, i loved the 1st one i had...for a month...then the data functions started to go. (internet, on demand, gps...etc) started to fail...some failed completely. sprint people had no idea how to fix it...so they replaced it for free. i loved my phone and figured the malfunction was a fluke so i just got the same model. now, a month later. my data apps are failing. one has completely stopped working. so...i was told by support that the issue is obviously the phone. problem is that im outside of that one month window now and will not get the phone replaced for free. i am NOT paying for one of these just to have it fail again in a month. im paying for unlimited data...so no point in having a phone that cant handle data. so im upgrading. i got a GREAT deal on the phone. anyways...i checked tonight to see if the internet on my phone was working any better...its back to the way it was when i first got the phone. its fast, reliable...argh. i may have just gotten a phone i dont need. BUT...again, an upgrade might be fun. justification for this?..on demand still isnt working. SO- my phone is not fixed. I NEED the new one.

ive got the day off tomorrow. gonna spend it with chloe. im trying to decide if i want to hang out here...or go somewhere in town...or get outta town for the day. we'll see. im up later than i planned on being, so i probably wont feel like going anywhere tomorrow. it may turn into a nap day.

i should get to bed. yup, bed.

-a lull in traffic-

just lonely, baby.
doesnt mean im looking for a friend.
ive got plenty and im still learning how
to lay down my life for them.

dont wanna find yourself
alone at 35
spending half what you make on your car
and hating that drive.

just crazy, maybe.
doesnt mean im looking for a cure.
ive got stability that scares you
cause its hard to believe when youre so sure.

no matter how different you are,
youre just like everybody else.
no matter how hard you try to fit in,
theres no one like you.

youre just like everybody else.
theres no one like you.
youre just like everybody else.

you will find you spend
a good deal of your time
sitting at red lights.

-christopher simpson (the gloria record)-

-engagement!-

i just found out this week that my cousin Andy and his girlfriend Kim have gotten engaged and will be getting married this year! woo hoo. congrats you two! i am very honored to have been asked to be in the wedding. i will NOT be a brides maid though andy. dont even ask.

-hockey game-

chloe got to go to her first hockey game tonight. she was so excited to go. she thought we were going up to the "big hockey game in the cities" and was kinda disappointed to have to settle for the "little hockey game in st peter". but i told her if she had fun at the gustavus game that i would take her to a wild game. good plan daddy, that'll only cost a couple hundred bucks. the things i do for girls, i tells ya. my uncle rick and his grandson josiah met us over at the game. good times were had...i may have eaten a lot of food. i dont remember. what is it about sporting events that make me feel the need to gain 20 pounds in one night? it makes NO sense.

so...grandma rosie's cancer. the doctors are now saying she needs chemo. BUT, if chemo were started today it would kill her. her heart is said to be running at 50%. they want to check her out again in 2 weeks to see at that time if things look better. but they told us that her heart condition is because of her age, so why would it be any better in 2 weeks? makes no sense to me. if chemo cant be done, the cancer will run its course within 2 years. and thats not even mentioning the fact that shes been on the verge of kidney failure for a bit now. so...whats best for her? do we really want to watch her spend her remaining days going through chemo? my vote is no.

grandma virginia was in alexandria as she died. she was far enough away for it to feel...almost fake i guess. grandpa tom was in the cities. he was far enough away. grandma rosie is in st peter. and has been a central part of my life at every stage along the way. this one is close. this one can not be fake. this one will happen as i watch. this one is hard. i went to visit her today for the 1st time since hearing the update. it was hard. there we sat visiting like always, with this horrible news just hanging out in the room. no one acknowledged it...no one should at this point, but there it is, just hanging out. my goal...lets help her to do this as easily as possible. and lets enjoy the time we have.

-cheer up charlie-

i was just in the bathroom trimming up the beard and shaving the neck and all. fun stuff. naturally Chloe felt the need to watch. in the middle of the shaving she asked me where the water in the sink was going. i said down the drain. she asked where it went after that...i thought about it for a second and realized that a 4 year old probably wouldnt understand the full story of plumbing and all...so i gave her the tired daddy answer, "i dunno babe"...she pauses for a second and says "that water goes to the chocolate factory"...i was laughing too hard to argue. so if you are a buyer of wonka candy, beware...your candy products contain my beard trimmins, neck shavings...and yeah, probably my spit from when i brush my teeth. so...yeah. thought you might wanna know.

-wax ring-

backing up my friends, i mentioned putting a new wax ring on my main floor toliet...

turns out its a really easy thing to do...but heres what bothered me. its 2009. when i was a kid i expected to be flying my car around my now...youre telling me that the only thing keeping my waste matter off of my floor and out of my basement is a frickin cake shaped ring of wax? wax? are you kidding me. seems to me there should be better options out there by now. its frickin 2009! wax?... wax?!

-bad day-

no matter how bad your day went today, this did NOT happen to you. (and yes, this is a real picture...and yes it really did happen to someone)

yesterday was a good day

i said yesterday that if i managed to make it through the day without falling that i would call it a good day. yesterday was a good day. today was good for about an hour. my right knee cap is now bruised. today was NOT a good day. i had me a little fall. i fell so hard that all i could do was thank god i hit my knee instead of my face. but now my knee hurts, so...

ive written some posts here titled "why im an idiot"...basically describing how helpless i am when it comes to house work. my efforts always end in the job not getting done...tools being thrown...and phone calls being made to other, more able people. heres a different kind of story friends. my toilet was leaking last week. i realized ON MY OWN that the wax seal was leaking. so i made a call. please come put a new wax seal on for me, i said. i went to menards and bought one. my helper never showed up so i decided to give it a go. tools were thrown, a few choice words were said...BUT the end result: my toilet is working, and is not leaking. im not going to claim i feel secure with my work. ive checked at least a dozen times to make sure its not leaking again. both in bathroom, and in the basement below. so far, so good. i am no longer helpless. i am helpless minus one.

the slowing economy is hitting closer to home. ive already had to go to a few different places to pick up their tanks due to the business/department closing, and now there are more customers telling me of hard times. anyways, because of all that we have done some restructuring...people have been let go. today they told us we will no longer be working ANY overtime. this is going to cost me about 400 to 500 bucks a month. things are going to tighten up. it sucks. all signs are pointing to things getting worse before they get better. so what that means to my job, i dont know. i feel lucky to have a job...but i feel stressed about this darkness seemingly closing in closer to home. im tired of hearing the economic news. im tired of my house value dropping every month, while my loan balance goes no where. and im frickin tired of being sick! how long can a cold last. i honestly thought i was better...then it just came back again.

tonight. im going to try to get to sleep early and get a good, full nights sleep. i said try. thats all i can do.

i seriously REALLY wanted to go to seattle this summer. argh.

-doctors-

yesterday was a reminder of why i never go to the doctor. stupid doctors.

i hadnt been to the doctor at all in about 3 years or so. since i had mono. yesterday i decided to go. i know i just have a bad cold, but i was starting to feel like i might have a sinus infection or pneumonia. so i went into urgent care. the stupid doctor said "so youve only been sick for 5 or 6 days with a cold and youre coming in?" anyways, after being a dink he gave me a prescription for some meds. ive taken it like 3 times now and its helping a lot. last night i almost felt 100%, but i woke up this morning feeling worse again. not as bad as i did a couple days ago...but still not too good. blah! i just want it to go away.

today, im going over to peterland to watch the vikings game at my dads. my gut tells me theyre going to get their butts kicked. hopefully i am wrong. im so tired of watching MN sports teams lose in the 1st round of the playoffs. its getting old. especially since fans around here are so used to it that we consider it an accomplishment to just make the playoffs. MN, the land of lowered expectations.

its like a skating rink outside today. we got some freezing rain and it just coated the roads and sidewalks. what a mess. i have nothing good to say about that.

come to think of it...i dont really have a whole lot to say today.