second winds

Ugh. What a day it was. Its Monday, and to be honest I woke up this morning feeling ok with that fact. Its just another day, and my route looked pretty easy. On paper anyway. And it was easy until my last stop. This stupid stop has been a HUGE problem from day one. I've had countless talks with salesmen, supervisors, safety coordinators, etc and we've all agreed that this stop is not at all safe, and at times its flat out not possible to make the delivery, yet NOTHING has gotten done about it until today. Many months later finally something has gotten done. In a way its a relief, but in a another way its angering that it took this long. I've risked my safety every time I've gone there all winter and nobody cared enough to make sure something changed. Anyways- today was the last day of doing things the old way there. So what happens? My truck gets stuck in the mud. A 30,000 pound truck and it sunk a couple feet in the mud. I honestly thought it was going to be stuck there until the ground hardened in a month or so. I thought there was NO shot of getting it out. But I shoveled mud back into my own tire tracks and rocked it back and forth until it finally broke free. It honestly felt like a minor miracle. If you could have seen it stuck I guarantee you would have said "you are not getting that outta there". But woo hoo! Its out. My shoes and pants are 75% mud, but my truck is out.

Tonight. Chloe and I laid down at 8:30 or so. She fell asleep by 9. I dozed off for a little bit but woke up here at 10 feeling wide awake. Why do I get these second winds? Why can't I get them earlier in the day? I feel so tired all day that I look forward to sleeping, but then it gets to be this time of night and I just don't wanna sleep all of a sudden. I end up laying here listening to music and catching up on online stuff until midnight and then it just makes me more tired the next day. Oh well I guess.

So...I've been having some pretty strong thoughts about God, faith and religion and all that fun stuff. Its no secret that I've been through some "trials and tribulations" over the last few years. I don't think I've really discussed too much what its done to my faith. Both in people and in God. I'm not really sure that I'm ready to really break things down or confess what I sometimes feel or think. But these thoughts are a constant for me lately.

"Never will I leave or forsake you" feels like a broken marriage vow to me. Because for the most part I feel that God has left. Having someone walk out on you is hard enough, but when its someone who promised you they would never leave...its so much harder. After they're gone you can still hear the promise. And it hurts. The world feels and looks pretty godless to me right now and to be honest my life feels and looks about the same. It feels like my best friend just up and moved away without warning and without saying goodbye. And here I am in need of that friend. Making calls, sending messages of all kinds, and getting no reply. Just reminders, some subtle and some brutal, that God is not watching out for me anymore. I'm on my own.

And like any break up, there's the questions. Why did he leave me? What about me didn't he like? What did I do wrong? But I know that once someone makes up their mind to leave, there's no changing it back. Why would I want someone around who doesn't want to be there anyway? I won't beg for you to stay. I won't chase you as you run away. I won't seek while you hide. Now is not the time for games. It just isn't.