i probably shouldnt be blogging now. im tired. its been a long day. if this post doesnt make any sense, its because im...yeah, tired.
got up this morning at about 4:30 am...wait, wait back up. thursday night i managed to fall asleep shortly before 9. i woke up about 2 hours later with a frickin migraine. so i took some migraine meds and soaked in the tub waiting for the pills to do their job. which they did. so, by 1 am i was asleep again. alarm goes off at 4:30 and i almost chucked it out the window. i got up and looked outside to see another 4 inches of fresh snow on top of the 80,657 inches we already have out there. i sat and drank about 4 cups of coffee. (have i mentioned the deepening relationship coffee and i have lately? we used to spend time together 4 or 5 times a year. this winter our relationship has progressed. we are now on a multiple cups a day basis. friends, thats swell.) ummm, where was i?...oh yeah, i got in the jeep yet to be named with its fancy new tires, which by the way do NOT make me breakfast, and i drove over to peterland. i drove my grams and gramps back to the mankato hospital for my grandmas surgery. from there i came home to find chloe already awake. had been since 5:30. my poor mom was already up with her. sorry mom. i shoveled the side walk and went to work. got to work at 6...left work at 1. came home and laid down to take a nap. only to get another frickin headache. but i managed to sleep for an hour or so. after that...it was outback steak house in burnsville, and then up to the wild game in st paul. they won 4-1. which is good, cause those tickets are not cheap. my feeling is this: if you spend 220 bucks on 2 tickets to a game you have earned to right to pummel the home team if they lose. little do they know i was prepared to deliver said pummeling...luckily for them they decided to win.
ever wondered what a run on paragraph looks like? see above.
anyways...grandmas surgery. all went well. shes just fine. BUT the cancer is in the lymph nodes. so...radiation is almost a certainity. poor grandma. shes had so many problems this last year or so. i just want things to slow down for her and for my grandpa. its too much weight for him too. i can see it in his eyes. please god, just give them a break for a bit. just for a bit.
woke up kinda out of it from my nap. got the news about the radiation shortly there after. so ive just felt kinda out of it all night. kind of a 'im not really here' feeling. preoccupied i guess.
heres something about life that i feel like i understand in ways, but at the same time i really dont get it. if you were abused in a past relationship why do you feel the need to protect yourself from me who would not and has not abused you? if you were cheated on in the past why does that affect your trust in me who has not and would not cheat? when this comes up i wanna just say "hey its me, paul. i have not and will not do these things to you."...and i want it to stick. all that crap in the past?...it was someone else..and its over. BUT at the same time, i totally understand it now...cause you might abandon me too. you didnt do it to me before. but you might. it seems so unfair that the actions of a few can affect so many relationships. it seemed so easy to let people in at twenty. but now at thirty tw...i mean 25, it seems so much more complicated. for ME even! and not only that, i can spend time with someone and get to know them a little bit, and i can totally understand why theyre scared to let me in. even though i know i would never do the things they are scared of...i can see why theyre scared. trust and faith are so fragile. and weve become so careless with them. its been far too plain to me lately how fragile these things are...and how evasive they are. the hardest thing for me is how hard it is the rebuild these things once theyve been burned down. thats a whole other post for a different day...
goodnight.
