-the end-

welp...the wine cafe team is done for the year. and what a dissapointing season. after starting 3-0 we had some high hopes for a good season. the injuries started and kept coming and we just didnt play very well for the next 6 games. 4 and 6 was our final record. 2 and done in the playoffs. we didnt win a single game in the playoffs. i honestly thought this team had a chance to go undefeated this season. shows what i know. oh well...at the end of the day its just softball i guess.

church league playoffs start on monday. maybe we can win one or 2 there?

-the judas factor-

i just want to know that im doing the right thing. all things considered, after everything thats happened. everything that i am able to control in the middle of so much that i just can not and could not control...i need to know im doing the right thing. not just for me. but for family and friends as well.

betrayal does not end life. getting walked out does not end life. it just complicates things in ways i never thought possible. i could never ever imagine this last 2 years before they happened. maybe i should have seen it coming...but it was just unimaginable. on days like today where i really stop to remember and reflect...it still seems impossible. but it happened. and betrayal hurts more than anything else in this world. i honestly think being betrayed by someone who claims "love" is the worst thing that can happen to a person. it just blindsides you. it takes your heart and forces you to tuck it away. it forces you to second guess the motives of anyone and everyone close to you...or anyone who wants to get close to you. what do i have that you want to take for yourself? what kind of savior do you think i am? where will you be when i can not be all that you think i should be? who will you run to when you realize my humanity?

i do not like the way ive adapted to my situation. i do not like my self protective ways. i do not like my loss of faith in mankind and in god himself. i dont like prefering being alone. but god...it is so much less dangerous...and so much less complicated. its safe and sound, i have found. and maybe its the way i should have always been. after all, there are murderers, thiefs and rapists in this world. to assume the best of everyone is just flat out ignorant. being "nice" should not doom you to a life of being taken advantage of. there are far too many people in this world who see nothing but themselves. nothing.

so many of my best years...so much of the person i was. all of it, burnt up in a fire i did not start. a fire i tried to put out day after day after day...only to have more gas poured onto it...day after day after day.

what should life look like NOW?

"time and time again you said 'dont be afraid. dont be afraid'

the only voice i want to hear is yours."

-terrifying-

i drove over to st the magic peter tonight to watch my cousin andy play on the town baseball team. its was an elimination game. the losers season is over. anyways...remember mrs hoffman from sphs??? yes? no? two of you? ok...mrs hoffmans son plays on the team. he hit a ground ball in the infield. the fielder picked it up and threw to first..the 1st baseman lost track of where the base was so he was reaching back with his foot to find the base. hoffman was running full speed and got tripped up by the first baseman. he goes face first into the ground. and i mean hard. hes obviously hurt. my uncle and i sit there talking about the play. as were talking, a woman next to us yells out "hes shaking"....we look..."hes shaking bad"... he is in full out convulsions. blood coming out of his nose and mouth. how terrifying is this?! a girl in the crowd is on her phone and calling 911. the ambulance took longer than i think it should have...(at this point i want to remind everyone to just drive me to the hospital if anything ever happens to be in peterville...PLEASE just drive me there...lets not waste time waiting) anyways...hoffman is out. they put smelling sauce under his nose to bring him back...he starts throwing punches! he comes to and instantly starts throwing punches! it was crazy. people held and tied him down...he goes out again...smelling sauce again...punches again. this cycle repeated like 5 times. it was so crazy to watch.

and now on to the boring. i have not had time for email...or myspace...or facebook...and twitter is kind of boring me lately. who really cares what im doing anyways? so...i will get back to all of you when i have more than 2 minutes to sit here.

now??? im going to sleep. g'night all.

-insane-

i went to the threadbare reunion show last night. i havent seen them play since...hmmm...96 i think. it was soooo good. somehow theyve gotten even better than they used to be. im still in shock. brians vocals are somehow more intense than they used to be, which boggles my brain.

the good news? it was an incredible show. the bad news? it was a one time reunion show. i want to see them again and i want them to release some new music. god, i wish theyd just get back together.

anyways...chloes adoption party is starting really soon. better get going.

-adopted!-

kleigh is finally chloe kirstein schroeder!

-justin!-

mn twins 1st baseman justin morneau won the home run derby tonight. it was fun to watch. he was completely outshined by josh hamilton though. hamilton hit 28 in the 1st round. 28 in one round! a new record, holy crap i says. justin hit a total of 22 homers in 3 rounds and still got the win. see the story here if that doesnt make sense to ya. im not going to take the time to explain it.

i came home after watching the derby and checked kare11.com to see what local media had to say about it. i went form excitement over a twin winning a home run contest (kinda seems oxymoron-ish doesnt it?) to just pure disgust for humanity after reading this story. a group of guys sexually harrass a twelve year old girl in the valleyfair parking lot...her dad does what every dad should do and confronts them. they call their friends and a total of 7 guys beat the snot out of the dad. it wasnt enough to knock him down, they have to kick him in the head on top of all of it. enough where he may have bleeding in his brain. people are seriously sick. sometimes it just boggles my mind that there are people like these people out there. unbelievable. i should never read the news at bedtime.

woo hoo for justin morneau though.

-the rebound-

so i quickly replaced my bat. maybe a little too quickly? i figure theres no chance of a healthy relationship with the new bat while im still mourning the loss of the 1st. for that reason im thinking of calling the new bat "the rebound". or maybe "the replacement"...or....(drumroll), arthur fonzarelli. im not sure yet.

anyways...the rebound made his first appearence tonight. i got 3 at bats. 1fly out...1 homerun..and 1 single. so far so good for the replacement. we finally won a thursday game after losing what...6 straight. woo hoo. this was the last regular season game, the playoffs start next week.

this weekend...one more day of work. i think we'll check out the little kid parade...(its on the road i live on so its gonna be tough to miss) were gonna go to the big parade and walk around fun days a little on saturday morning. than its up to the cities. church, than supper, than poker at the neelys, a hotel for the night and than home on sunday.

next friday my all time favorite mankato band threadbare is playing a reunion show. im excited.

-RIP Monty-

got a call today. my old dog Monty was hit by a car and killed. it sucks cause i was asked to take him back recently but i decided not to due to responsibility overload. argh. sorry bud.

-one last goodbye-

-these times that try mens souls-

today we all got together and celebrated the 4th and my soon to be 32nd birthday. 'old man' you say? 'up yours' i say. we also mourned the loss of gunnar. you can see below just how sad rick is. doesnt gunnar look great in his best tie? well, MY ONLY tie. the fact that i set up a little visitation area for gunnar proves my theory that i am a dork. at some point today i realized that, and decided not to go through with the burial.

for those of you who are wondering "how long will paul wait to replace his dead bat?"...not long friends. i ordered its replacement online just minutes ago. a demarini F3. i loved the juggernaut, but every single team in this area has one now. i should get paid by demarini for all the recommendations ive given in the last 2 years.

hey...thanks to all who came today...it was a lot of fun. lets start skipping work every friday and doing something like this. sound good? good.

-night of all nights-

where to begin? ill start here. i worked 47 hours this week in 4 days. (well 50 some if you count the part time gig) im drained. so tired. so i was not looking forward to playing a softball game tonight. i could not get into the game. but i went, and i played. and what a game. down 3 runs i came up with 2 on in the top of the 7th and hit a shot to center field. a game tying homerun. woo hoo. derek comes up behind me and hits a go ahead homer. nice. were all pumped. long story short...we ended up losing by like 3 in extra innings. but what a fun game to play. i think i was 3 for 5. a single...a homer and a triple. why cant i remember? heres why friends. after our game ended some kids from another team asked us to fill in for them in their game. they didnt have enough to play. my uncle rick, whos pushing 50 says "ill play if you play"...if you know me well you already know this, if you dont know me well here it is. i love playing ball. baseball or softball especially. i will play until i hurt. so i agreed to play. and my god...i am hurting. anyways...half way through that game the kids were playing with ask us to play their 2nd game too. another game? we say no...they beg...we play. 3 frickin games in a row. did i mention the pain?

my 2nd to last at bat of the night. i swing. i hit it a ton...i hear a sick sounding crack and feel the bat just give in. the ball only goes off the fence. i KNOW i got all of it...it should have gone. rick comes up to hit after me...he holds the bat up to get ready to hit...my bat, gunnar nelson, is horribly crooked. ive killed little gunnar nelson. i paid 320 for gunnar and his services. hes gone. im still in shock a little bit over my loss. we had so many good times. we'll have no more together. goodbye gunnar. thank you...

so my last at bat of the night. i use phils bat. and i hit the ball soooo hard, right into the 3rd basemans bare hand. CRACK! hes hurt. and god is he pissed. im not sure if it was broken or not. i felt so bad. i apologized and all...he was decent about it...but obviously mad. i suppose i would be too. that got me on 1st...bottom of the 7th...a 15-15 game...i get on to lead off the home half of the last inning by hurting the 3rd baseman. we got 3 more singles after that and i came around to score the game winner. our team lost...but we won 2 on the other team...so an ok night there. but gunnar is gone...and i hurt someone. argh. i think i swung the bat 15 or 16 times tonight. my stats are lost...and because of that (and because im sick of doing it) i will no longer track my softball stats. im done.

now...i feel like im 80. and i need a nap. what a crazy, exhausting night.

-tragedy!-

How do I say goodbye to what we had?

The good times that made us laugh

Outweigh the bad.

I thought we'd get to see forever

But forever's gone away

It's so hard to say goodbye to Gunnar Nelson.

I don't know where this road

Is going to lead

All I know is where we've been

And what we've been through.

If we get to see tomorrow

I hope it's worth all the wait

It's so hard to say goodbye to Gunnar Nelson.

And I'll take with me the memories

To be my sunshine after the rain

It's so hard to say goodbye to Gunnar Nelson.

And I'll take with me the memories

To be my sunshine after the rain

It's so hard to say goodbye to Gunnar Nelson.

-RIP my friend. you will be missed-