-woo hoo for the weekend-

i dont have a whole lot to talk about right now. so read on readers, theres excitement ahead. i just wanted to say woo hoo for the weekend. its about frickin time. it has been such a long week.

i had a...um ...disturbing experience today. i was driving down the road listening to the radio. "staying alive" by the bee gees came on...i found myself...enjoying it. i MAY have even been bobbing my head a little bit. to those of you who have just lost all respect for me...my most sincere apologies. but i must also warn you...i am still replaying it in my head as i type this...and im enjoying it.

tomorrow morning i am sleeping until noon. i dont care if theres a nuclear war in my backyard, i am not waking up. tonight, i am putting the kids to bed, and then venturing out for some time on the town. its been forever since ive been out.

ok all. have a great weekend!

-bush is just an idiot-

our fearless leader W bush is an idiot. he was asked about gas prices and how people are to react to the possibility of $4/gallon coming up this spring. his response: "That's interesting. I hadn't heard that. ... I know it's high now." is he seriously that out of touch? (you can read more about it here.) hes also trying to say we are NOT heading into a recession. really? cause it really seems we are...and most experts say we are, or that we are already there. but all this is coming from the guy who told us the iraq war was over years ago, so...why were we in iraq to begin with anyway? has he ever answered that question honestly? i can not believe this guy is our president. it honestly boggles my brain. a dying mule would be better for this country.

-busy, busy and more busy-

i am swamped this week. so to those of you who have emailed, facebooked, myspaced, called, sent smoke signals, (ross- i still have your carrier pigeon here. ill send it up when its done snowing).... anyone who has tried to get a hold of me in any way this week...i am not ignoring you. i am overly busy all the way through friday. so...my apologies to you and yours...and your carrier pigeons.

-men and their trousers-

what is it with older gentlemen and their ever rising pants? today brought a good example. i walked into one of my stops...it was still early in the morning and my tired brain is pretty easily entertained. this mans pants were honestly half way between his hips and his man boobs. his butt looked like it was 3 feet long. what am i doing looking at old man butt you may ask? mind your business. i also noticed he was wearing a very thick black belt. for those of you who dont know what a belt is, a belt is a device usually made of leather that you wear around your waste, or in this case your chest, to keep your pants up at the desired level. long story short a belt keeps your pants up. its job is to hold your trousers in place, and this belt seemed to be very good at its job. after noticing the high pants and the belt my brain silently nicknamed this older gentleman "johnny high-pants". im not really sure if his name is johnny...but i DO know he has high-pants.


anyways, i wrapped up my business with the stop and was about to go on my way when i noticed something else about this man. remember the pant holding device i mentioned? i think i called it a belt. well...not only was johnny high-pants equipped with a belt, he was also wearing suspenders. and they were very nice. from what ive heard the main job of a pair of suspenders is to...ah...hold up your pants. the belt apparently had called in for reinforcements. at this point my tired, easily entertained brain silently changed the gentleman's nickname to "charlie trouser chest". again, his name may not be charlie.


after thinking about it all day i also came up "randall highwater". (no...im not sure if his name was randall)


so heres my predicament. my brain liked all three of the nicknames. i need to settle on one. with your help i think i can. off to the top right you will see a poll. yeah...there. please vote as many times as you like. i would appreciate your participation.

-crush-

"take in restraint like a breath

my lungs are so numb from holding back"

-jim atkins-

-sleepy time-

im tired today. i feel a little off. not grumpy or sad or anything, just a little off. kleigh on the other hand is grumpy. she decided not to nap today so...she is over tired. and when she gets over tired she just does not listen. its usually cute, almost laughable, but like i said, im a little off today. i am counting down the minutes until bedtime. for an hour or so i will get some peace and quiet.

my prediction: i will be asleep by 8:30 tonight. the over/under has been set, by Vegas of course, at 8 and 30. place your bets accordingly. though i would recommend betting the under. im pretty tired.

-morning brain-

this is why i should never have to get out of bed while its still dark out:

this morning my alarm went off at about 4:45 am. thats right i said 4:45 in the frickin am. kleigh fell asleep in my bed last night, so when my alarm went off i wanted to do everything i could to not wake her up. if she wakes up and realizes im leaving she will not go back to sleep. anyways for the sake of not waking her up i didnt turn on any lights in my room when i reached into my closet to grab clothes. i just reached in and grabbed a shirt, threw it on and went on my way. luckily for me its still coat weather today, because the shirt i grabbed happened to be dylans shirt. he wears a medium. im almost 6'2 and about 210 or 215. a medium shirt on me looks like a belly shirt. yup...a lovely belly shirt. so...like i said, its a good thing its still coat weather.

-rick-

rick is getting out of the hospital today. it doesnt appear to be anything really serious. so, that is very, very good news.

-the only way out-

"the only way out is through". its a cheesy cliche, i know. but sometimes its so true that it needs to be said anyway. ive been through hard times in the past. sadly, there was always a way to quit. and generally thats what i did. an example: i started college already knowing i didnt want to be there. it was hard. i hated highschool, and college just felt like an unwanted continuation of highschool. so when i went through a hard breakup, that was reason enough to stop going. i just couldnt handle the emotion of the break up and the stress of school at the same time. i could quit, so i did. this has been a pattern for me. if it comes easy i love it...and i cling to it. if it gets hard... i stop. i get out. i find something new.

the last year and a half has been the worst of my life. a divorce. my parents divorce. death. so many bad things. but heres the difference. i love the kids. quitting was never an option. finally i have found something that i love enough to never give up on. and i havent. at first i looked at the load i was carrying...and the distance i needed to carry it. and i said "i can not do this." but i knew there was no other option. the only way out is through. so i carried it. looking back now a year and a half later, i have carried 100 times the load that i expected to carry and i have carried it 100 times further than i expected to carry it. and i feel stronger having carried it. i have more confidence now than i have ever had in my life. i am more aware of my own strengths and capabilites than i have ever been. and most importantly, i love more purely than i have ever loved in my life. i love the kids...and i expect nothing in return.

i would never choose the darkness that has surrounded me this last year and a half. i choose the easy way every chance i get. but, by the grace of god, and the strength that he alone has given me, i am making it through. and not only am i surviving, i am learning again how to laugh. how to enjoy. and even how to hope. the journey has been dark, but i know based on promises and experiences that there is always a light up ahead. in this life and/or in the next. i am learning to be strong. i am learning to have faith. i am learning to trust in the unseen.

a few months ago i asked my mom why god was so silent and so distant now that im going through so much. he used to be so close. he used to give me so much. she told me that god gave me so much and was so close back than cause he knew i would need it now.

he didnt wait until i was in over my head to give me a life jacket...he gave me the life jacket and taught me how to use it long before i needed it. he has already given me what i need to make it through this trial. my job is to realize what i already possess and put it to use.

thank god for these kids who take away the quitting option. thank god for friends and family who remind us of things we need to be reminded of. thank god for the time we do have together. thank god for the strength we already have to get through these times...and thank god for the experiences that make us aware of the blessings.

-the world tilts back...-

my uncle rick is in the hospital tonight. he was having chest pain and tingling in his arm. tests have been run and more should be known sometime tomorrow. please keep him in your prayers...i really, really hope its nothing serious. they are keeping him over night as a precaution.

we went up to see grandma bonnie today. its the first time ive seen her since grandpa toms funeral. she seems to be doing well. she says she has to live day to day now. for awhile today i just looked at her and kinda felt that half of her is now missing. shes half of what she used to be...but life still moves on. and it waits for no one. loss. i cant imagine her loss. over 60 years of marriage...she still is as sweet as ever...it was good to see her. the hugs were a little tighter and a little longer than they used to be. i felt bad leaving her alone in her apartment though. the nights have to be so tough.

on the way home we stopped off in st peter to see grandma rosie. she was in a funny mood tonight. lots of joking and laughing. i cant yet get my head around the seriousness of her condition. she has another appointment on tuesday and we should know more about the state of her kidneys than. as i mentioned in an earlier post...im not yet ready to deal with this. its just been wave after wave after wave...i long for calm waters.

kleigh and dylan are staying with mandra tonight. the house is quiet. i havent seen them since early this morning. taking care of them is now such a huge part of who i am and what i do that i dont know what to do with myself when theyre not around. it feels strange. part of me is relieved to have a break. but most of me misses having them around. kleigh is always on my lap...or holding my hand...or in my arms. its a strange void she leaves when shes not around.

i wish we lived in a world where people didnt die...

-loss-

i just found out today that my grandmas (grandma rosie) kidneys are failing. im not sure on specifics. they are failing and it doesnt look good. thats about all i know. i dont know how much time she has left. i lost a grandma last january. i lost a grandpa this january. im not ready to even start talking about losing another one. but i of course can do nothing to stop this kind of thing. please keep her in your prayers. she has no idea whats going on yet. she probably wont until more details come in. she will not take it well. she just wont.

i saw "there will be blood" last night. overall i thought it was...ok. it wasnt great. it wasnt terrible. it was somewhere in between. i just havent decided where yet. i may need to see it again to know what i really think about it. i went into it with too many expectations. next time i see it ill just be able to let it be what it is...and maybe than i can form a clearer opinion on it.

so much drama last night and today. so much id like to talk about. but...this isnt the place. i just want to say this...if you gather in a place and conduct yourself in a way that tears down peoples faith in god, your building has ceased to be a church. i dont care what you name your building. i dont care how many crosses hang on the walls. i dont care how many times you say "praise god" or "hallelujah". if peoples faith in god is being destroyed because of the way you are conducting yourself you are no longer a church.

-Brrrrrrrrrr-

its noon. its still 5 below zero. with an even colder windchill. i want spring. ok..back to work now.

-a word to spread-

As of today, we've spent over $495 billion in Iraq.1 With the economy in the tank, think about what that money could do here at home: Cover millions of kids who don't have insurance, or help folks who're losing their jobs and homes.
Instead, it's supporting a failed occupation in Iraq.
More and more Americans are making the connection between the billions we've spent over there and the crumbling economy here at home. In fact, a new AP poll shows that most Americans think ending the war is the best way to help the economy.2 But pundits still talk about the war and the economy as two unrelated things.
That's why we're launching our "Iraq/Recession" campaign—our push to make sure that politicians and pundits understand what voters already know: As long as we keep pouring that money down the drain in Iraq, we won't have the money we need to solve our economic woes.
Can you take a moment to write a letter to the editor of your local paper about how much we're spending in Iraq, while things go south here at home? By speaking out together, we can make sure the cost of war is part of the economic equation. Our tool makes writing a letter easy. Click here to get started:
http://pol.moveon.org/lte?campaign_id=88&id=12162-1238842-HXDS_V&t=51
If thousands of us write, we can get the media to stop ignoring the connection between the war and the recession. The opinion pages are the most widely read pages in the newspaper, so we can also make sure voters—who are growing increasingly concerned about the economy—know that any candidate who wants to stay in Iraq has no plan for the economy.
The ongoing occupation in Iraq is sucking up the resources we need to make our economy work again. The tradeoffs are stark: Bombs or unemployment insurance for people laid off as the economy slows? Billions for Halliburton and Blackwater, or help for people on the verge of losing their homes because of the subprime meltdown? Consider these key facts:
The recession is going to force states to cut back their budgets. Most likely, the cuts are going to affect the services that working families need and depend on.3
Meanwhile, the war is costing Americans more than $338 million a day. 4 That money could be spent to help out the folks who're hurting most now. For less than what we're spending on the war, we could pay for affordable housing for hundreds of thousands of families, health care for children, or scholarships to help folks pay for education. 5
Gas prices are close to double what they were before the war began. The cost of oil is still hovering around $100 barrel. 6
We're borrowing $343 million every day to finance the war in Iraq. 7 Our skyrocketing debt will be a bigger and bigger drag on the economy—slowing recovery and burdening future generations.
The truth is that economic forecasts are going to continue to be grim as long as we continue to dump billions into a reckless war that has no end in sight. Please write a letter to the editor of your local paper today:
http://pol.moveon.org/lte?campaign_id=88&id=12162-1238842-HXDS_V&t=52
Thanks for all you do.

-improvements-

kleigh must have had a 12 hour bug. shes acting like she was never sick. so hopefully that is dead and gone. and i hope no one else in the house gets it. so...some good news there.

i added a few more details to my taxes. my refund doubled. so more good news. and yes, the added details are legitimate. (i DO have 87 dependents you know) im still not getting as much as i hoped. but its something. and something is better than nothing.

its 9:06. i have to get up at 5. that means i should probably get to sleep. but going to sleep on a sunday evening feels like conceding the weekends end, and im not sure if im ready to do that just yet. if i take a week off of life can someone cover for me? id sure appreciate it. ive earned a break by now havent i?

i watched part of a hockey game today. its the 1st time ive watched hockey since the Zednik incident. i cant figure out how those guys can play after seeing something like that happen. i couldnt even watch without those images replaying in my head over and over again. getting paid millions to play probably helps ease the mind a little i suppose. last summer i played in a softball game where a player from the other team broke his ankle. and im talking a serious break. after seeing that i had a hard time playing without thinking about all the different possibilities for injury.

9:15. argh. bed time i guess. goodnight all.

-sunday-

the house is a disaster. kleigh went on a slight rampage yesterday. theres half a bag of chips on the floor in the living room. toys and clothes everywhere. what a mess. so most of my sunday so far has been cleaning. ill get done cleaning and kleigh will start in on the destruction again. what a cycle weve got going here.

i want spring! i want the warmer temps and the sunshine. i want to play softball. i want to take kleigh to the park. i want to be able to grill out every night of the week. soon! oh...and naps on the hammock. good ole hammock naps.

kleigh is officially sick. shes running a little bit of a fever. her nose is running all over the place...and shes got a cough. did i mention how grumpy she is? (shes a little grumpy.) the last half hour has been me telling her its nap time and her yelling at me that she doesnt want to take a nap...even though its painfully obvious a nap is exactly what she needs.

i got my taxes almost done yesterday. what a dissapointment. im getting a little back from federal...but having to pay in a little bit to state. ill still walk away with a little bit of a refund. but not near as much as i hoped for. stupid taxes.

ok...this is going nowhere. i hope everyone had a great weekend. back at it tomorrow.

-Guernica-

i submit no excuse, if this is what i have to do.

i owe you every day i wake.

if i could i would shrink myself

sink through your skin to your blood cells

remove whatever makes you hurt

but i am too weak to be your cure.

is this the way a toy feels when its batteries run dry?

i am the watch you always wear, but you forget to wind.

-jesse lacey-

-uneventful-

if youre feeling bored do not read this post to cure your boredom. it will only make it worse. im not posting because i have something to say, im posting because i am bored.

its saturday night. i wanted to go see "there will be blood", but im tired. so i had very little motivation in finding someone to go...sad, i know, but its been a long week. its so much easier to wait for the dvd. if by any chance youve gone to see "there will be blood" please comment and leave me your review. ive heard a few different opinions on it. its a Paul Thomas Anderson movie, so it has to be at least good. Paul is responsible for one of my all time favorite movies, Magnolia.

kleigh seems to be getting sick. nothing serious yet, just a sniffle and a little cough. we did a lot of running around today so she missed her nap. shes already laying down in my bed watching the simpsons. dylan started guitar lessons today at scheitels music here in mankato. i bought my first guitar from scheitels about 17 or 18 years ago. (yes, i am getting old.) i got guitar lessons there too for about a year. some of you may be wondering why im not giving him lessons myself?...because im busy, tired and LAZY. i gave him probably five lessons and decided it was time for him to go elsewhere. kleigh just wont tolerate me giving him an hour of undivided attention.

weekends come and go way too quickly. its so strange to me to go through the work week looking forward to friday. friday comes and goes. saturday comes and im already thinking about going back to work on monday. i spend half of my sunday thinking about how much it sucks that its already sunday. its hard to be away from kleigh. she just cant understand why i have to be at work 5 days a week 8 to 10 hours a day. every night she asks "daddy you work tomorrow?". if i say no she says "you stay with me". i say yes. she hugs me, and i love it. if i say i have to work she says "no daddy, why you have to work? you stay with me!". all i can say is "i wish i could baby". ive never wanted to be really rich...until now. i wish i was really really rich. just so i could be a fulltime stay at home daddy. its the best job ever. it just doesnt pay well enough.

anyways...i was talking about weekends. i look forward to the weekend all week. and than i really dont do anything with them. i did a lot of stuff today that needed to get done. but i rarely get to do anything thats just about me getting away and having a good time. i wanna see a movie in the theater. i wanna go to lutsen for a weekend snowboarding trip. i want to spend time with friends. i miss adults. i spend so much time with kleigh...and i love it. i just need some adult conversation from time to time. just a couple hours twice a week with someone whos not dependent on me.

i think im just feeling lonely lately. i miss being close to someone...but at the same time, im scared to be close to anyone. so...here i sit. alone on saturday night.

-oh oj...oh no-

this is too funny. if youre oj simpson why would you ever agree to go on live tv..especially a show thats going to take live phone calls???

-my own skin-

stories like this one are why i feel like my expectations in life are always way too high compared to what actually happens in the world. click here to read it.

(the link has been updated to one that works...)

this winner of a lady beat a 4 year old to death! a 4 year old. very brave of her. she made 2 of her own children hold the child down, and another watched while she beat him. again...brave. then when she realized he was dead she hid him in the closet because she was too afraid to call the police. (yup...brave) when people do things like this to children it really makes me believe in the "an eye for an eye" brand of justice. lets get 2 people who are least twice her size to hold her down while a third beats her. the kid was vomiting and convulsing before she stopped beating him!

imagine the three kids who were involved. 2 holding the kid. one watching it all. theyll spend the rest of their lives in therapy and still never recover. this lady deserves 10 lifetimes in prison. and i hope she gets at least 1.

-oh my god part 2-

the hockey injury videos i posted yesterday are the cleaner versions of whats available out there. im not gonna post the more graphic ones that show slow motion close ups and a lot more blood. theyre all on you tube if you want to see them. but i wanted to link to this picture. its not bloody...or gorey. its a snapshot of the crowd reaction just after the impact and after a tremendous amount of blood ended up on the ice. click here to view it.

-oh my god-

this just happened in a hockey game last night. it sounds like he got emergency life saving surgery and is in stable condition. it makes me cringe just watching it.

part 1


part 2

-prayer-

ive prayed for so much in this last year and a half. its been so hard at times. ive prayed so much, and have seen so little from god. how long must i wait? what good is this waiting? where is your comfort? where is your provision? where is your peace? how long can i keep praying when the conversation is so one sided?

the stage is set for a miracle. all that remains...the miracle. please answer my prayers.

-reign of terror-

so, bush sr. was president for 4 years. clinton took over for him and lasted 8 years. than the reign of terror began with jr and he is now wrapping up his 8th and final year. if hilary were to win and go two terms that would mean this country would be run by only 2 families for 28 years. issues and political affiliations aside, 28 years with power given to 2 families is, to me anyway, a terrifying thought. the way things are going here in this country i think we need to give a different name a chance.

(and when jeb bush is ready to run lets remember what daddy bush and brother bush did and lets not give the bushes another chance.)

-annoying...while im at it-

people should just say what they mean. example "paul, we should hang out sometime. i'll give you a call tomorrow." weeks go by...no call. why take the time to say "paul, we should hang out sometime. i'll give you a call tomorrow." i understand that people get busy...and people forget...i do it at times too. but i never say something like that if i dont mean it. and if something comes up, im going to call you and honestly tell you..."something has come up"

another example..."paul, i want to sing/drum for your band. lets line something up"...these are people who went out of their way to contact me. and than when it comes down to it nothing gets set up. i didnt ask you, you asked me...yet you just cut off contact? at least have the nerve to send an email saying "hey im busy." or "i dont want to"...or "your band sucks". at least that way im getting a straight forward answer. i prefer that any day over this childish avoidance.

one more...and a big one. dont make wedding vows if youre gonna walk out in a year. who are you fooling? more importantly youre breaking the hearts of people you claimed to love.

so...say what you mean. it should be a simple thing. just say what you mean.

-annoying...the remix-

those 2 items they fixed on my truck, yeah not fixed. in fact they made it much worse than it was when i brought it in. (i honestly almost got folded in between my truck and my liftgate) so...an 11 hour friday for me. thanks to the truck fixer people. im not mad enough to mention names...but i was mad enough to take my truck somewhere else and to suggest that our company find a new regular place to go. it took 10 seconds with my boss and he agreed with me. so...thats literally thousands if not tens of thousands of dollars a year that "they" will be losing from us. what really makes me mad is now i have to wait around half the day tomorrow hoping my truck is finished so i can do my normal route on monday. if it is finished ill have to spend a couple hours of my weekend loading it. (ive already worked 50 hours this week...plus 12 hours at the new part time gig-which is going well so far) 50+12=too many frickin hours. and yes, that is my saint peter math. if its not finished i need to come up with a plan B for my routes next week. long story short. its been a long week. after i get done complaining on here im going to do my best to leave work at work.

-annoying-

my work truck is overdue for an oil change. i brought it in yesterday afternoon to get it done so i would have it back this morning to get my route done. i told them the oil change was the priority and that i needed it by 6:30 am today. i added 2 other things for them to do, but only if they had time after doing the oil change. so this morning at 6:30 i went over to get it. its not sitting outside like it usually is when its done. so i said outloud "youve got to be f%$king kidding me." i parked my car and went in. there it sits, right in the middle of an oil change. they explain to me that they got the other items done but didnt get the oil change done and theyre just starting now. i need to find a new place to bring my truck. this kind of stuff happens every time i bring it there. now ill be running about 2 hours behind...and its friday! i dont want to run behind on a friday. frickin idiots.

what a long week. thank god its friday. im sleeping until noon tomorrow. or 7:30 am, cause Kleigh never lets me sleep much longer.

-dr pepper-

-happy day-

kleigh is obsessed with birthdays. ever since her 3rd shes been excited to let everyone else have a birthday. she keeps asking me when my "happy day" is. i told her its still a long ways away. thats a hard concept for a three year old to get, so she keeps asking. a week or two ago i told her it wouldnt be my happy day until all the snow melted and it got warm out. last week we had one day that got up into the low 50's and we lost a lot of the snow in the front yard. after work i pulled into the drive way and started to walk into the house. she came running outside all excited. "daddy its almost your happy day! the snow is melting!". it is amazing to me the things she remembers. she can make me smile so quickly no matter what kind of day im having.

-what a difference-

my ideals tell me that life should be a certain way. kids should never die. murder, rape and abuse should never happen to anyone, anywhere. my eyes tell me that all these horrible things happen to people all the time. my pain is this. as long as i have my ideals i will feel let down every time i hear of life not going the way i think it should. its just in me to wonder why this stuff happens and why god allows it. especially to people who have no way to protect themselves.

so, do i lower my ideals? or do i fight a fight i can not win in a vain attempt to create a world that lives up to my ideals? both options seem like a loss. so...i continue on with my ideals, in a world that seems to get worse and worse by the minute. and as the gap between the two grow, the less comfortable i feel in my own skin.

now on to the important stuff. this years superbowl was the best ive seen in years. i planned on only watching the first half...but i was glued for the entire game. if only every superbowl could be this good.

-February-

...and the snow falls down

melts before it even

hits the ground

...and im standing here

listening

to the sound

of your hand washing

back and forth

across my filthy heart

...and i dont know

if i should say

im sorry or thank you

i tried to speak

but the tears choke the words

...and i think i finally know what they mean

when they talk about joy

-lyrics by christopher simpson-