i just want to know that im doing the right thing. all things considered, after everything thats happened. everything that i am able to control in the middle of so much that i just can not and could not control...i need to know im doing the right thing. not just for me. but for family and friends as well.
betrayal does not end life. getting walked out does not end life. it just complicates things in ways i never thought possible. i could never ever imagine this last 2 years before they happened. maybe i should have seen it coming...but it was just unimaginable. on days like today where i really stop to remember and reflect...it still seems impossible. but it happened. and betrayal hurts more than anything else in this world. i honestly think being betrayed by someone who claims "love" is the worst thing that can happen to a person. it just blindsides you. it takes your heart and forces you to tuck it away. it forces you to second guess the motives of anyone and everyone close to you...or anyone who wants to get close to you. what do i have that you want to take for yourself? what kind of savior do you think i am? where will you be when i can not be all that you think i should be? who will you run to when you realize my humanity?
i do not like the way ive adapted to my situation. i do not like my self protective ways. i do not like my loss of faith in mankind and in god himself. i dont like prefering being alone. but god...it is so much less dangerous...and so much less complicated. its safe and sound, i have found. and maybe its the way i should have always been. after all, there are murderers, thiefs and rapists in this world. to assume the best of everyone is just flat out ignorant. being "nice" should not doom you to a life of being taken advantage of. there are far too many people in this world who see nothing but themselves. nothing.
so many of my best years...so much of the person i was. all of it, burnt up in a fire i did not start. a fire i tried to put out day after day after day...only to have more gas poured onto it...day after day after day.
what should life look like NOW?
Thursday, July 24, 2008
-the judas factor-
"time and time again you said 'dont be afraid. dont be afraid'
the only voice i want to hear is yours."
Posted by pablo at 11:41 PM
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2 comments:
I really don't know what to day Paul. I do however know that time helps heal the heart. Our experiences help mold who we are. Loss sometimes comes unexpected and it is harder to work through. But give yourself time and don't be afraid to ask for help to work through it. It's a greiving prossess. You lost someone you loved and were committed to. Give yourself time to recoup but don't let that experience kill your spirit. You are a very kind person Paul and those friends & family who truly love & respect you will never take advantage of you.
Allow yourself to feel happiness again. Don't let it dictate the rest of your life and leave you with a permanent bitter after-taste.
Paul, we should talk. I don't know what to do....I know this is about us, and I don't know if this means give up and walk away for good, or keep myself as close as possible and hope you can forgive me. I need you to be ok.... ok with life, ok with me and ok with you. what can I do to help? Please tell me....... Luv,Me
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