yesterday was a tough day. its always tough for me to get back into the routine when i get a break from it. yesterday was back to work, and back to the routine. if time machines are ever invented im going back in time and finding the guy who came up with the idea of working 40-60 hours a week and punching him square in the neck. twice even. good idea, idiot.
it doesnt help either that this cold still seems to have my head in a vise. its harder to walk through the routine when all you can think about is sleep. all through my work day i was just out of it and in an all around blah mood. i stopped home quick on my lunch break and kleigh came running out the front door and down the sidewalk with her arms open wide yelling "daddy, daddy"...id have to be completely brain dead to not be at least a little moved by that. so thanks to kleigh for once again brightening my day in those great little ways.
after work kleigh talked me into a quick trip down to sibley. she played on the new toys and we checked out the animals. ive done all i can to teach her to be polite...to share and take turns. it was cool to sit and watch her put a lot of that into practice. she was waiting her turn...sharing slides and toys and saying excuse me and all. it was really cute to watch, until a few kids started just taking advantage of her politeness by cutting in front of her and taking the shared toys away from her. how do you explain to a 3 year old that "the moral code" isnt followed by everyone but she still needs to follow it even if means being walked on from time to time? get back to me on that one. it was a nice display of human nature either way. it still hit me really hard though to see 'that' look on her face and to hear "daddy, why they not sharing?" i wish i could tell her that only "some" kids are like that and that they all grow out of it.
i feel like im doing a complete inventory this week. where am i? where am i going? what do i want? what do i need? and an important one...what do i believe? i feel like im holding too tightly onto "what i used to be" before the last 2 years of life hit me in the face over and over again. the truth is that im just not that guy anymore. i am what i am now after the storm, and i may never be what i was before it. i have new fears. new ways of protecting myself. new priorites. and some new doubts. the storm has calmed. im done with screaming for help. im done with the desperate attempts at silencing the storm myself. now my boat is floating aimlessly in the sea and im looking around at the rubble...relearning how to live in my new surroundings. (a scary thought...im even getting used to this mess) lately my eyes have been just looking around trying to find my One true companion. the One who was close through everything. my greatest pain through all of this is that i feel that He too has abandoned me. im looking around and finding that i am alone in my storm battered boat. this book is a long list of conditions to the claimed unconditional. the One who does not leave has left. and He's done it even quicker than others. maybe hes no different? fathers leave. lovers leave. friends betray. maybe my god is just as eager to up and leave as so many others have been? the question mark is intentional. im not making a statement. i am not one to say things are great when theyre not. i am not one to claim great faith and than hide in my closet alone with my doubts. i am what i am...and now i am what i am after the storm.
2 comments:
Hey Paul,
Deep stuff there. Very much so. In ways, I can definitely relate with the "you're a different person after the storm" thoughts. I've had nasty back & neck pain for the past 5 years, to the point that I'm now a different person than I was.
It's not the worst thing. Does it suck? Yeah, it sucks. Your situation has most absolutely sucked, too. But, yeah, life marches on. We change. Grasping onto 2 years ago, 5 years ago... it's just unrealistic. So much has changed that there's no possible way you can go back to that. It's wisdom. It's getting thru the shit and coming out the other side. You have to do what you can to get thru the day, live life.
I'd say one thing that's helped my outlook: I'm trying not to ostracize myself from life. I don't want to be floating aimlessly in a boa. I'm letting life flow through me. Take it in, let it out. Don't hold it, don't fight it. It's coming at you all the time. Just let it pass through.
I don't think you're really floating aimlessly, for what it's worth. I don't think you're doing that, by any stretch. The fact that you're pushing yourself and questioning things in this manner belies that.
I totally agree with ericneely's comment. Things change who we are. It helps shape us into different, and hopefully better people. When we lost Brenna, I thought that was the end for me. But that experience, so very painful, has given me some very valuable skills that I didn't have before she died. Things happen for a reason Paul. You have Kleigh for a reason. Without the last few years, she may not be with you. Look at the bad things that have happened and think of them as steps to move up to a better, happier life. I'm a firm believer that the more positive our attitudes, the better outlook we have on ourselves and our lives. Paul...I haven't seen you since highschool, but know that 1/2 way across the country...people care about you and never want you to feel alone. You're definitely not alone on your boat. You may feel like you're drifting, but you are not alone. The holding pattern will soon end. Now pack up the kids, pick-up Libbey & Meriden and take a road trip out here to Oregon. That will make you smile! (And me too!)
Post a Comment