ive had some passing thoughts lately. i dont like them, but i cant ignore them. so im going to talk about them.
the last year and a half...ive talked about it too much. im sick of talking about it...youre sick of hearing about it. so i wont dissect it the way i have in prior posts. i will just say it has been a really hard time. circumstantially, the hardest of my life by far.
in the middle of the really dark times i remember laying in bed at night...exhausted, confused, scared, hurt, etc and just praying. "god, i cant do this". "god, i cant handle this." and every time i said that prayer there was an instant thought. (and i am not claiming it was god) but the thought was "you can do this. you are doing it. and you can handle more". and i did handle more. and when more weight was added...i prayed "god i cant do this..."...the following thought?.."you can do this. you are doing it. and you can handle more." after months of that cycle i quit praying that prayer. something bad or heavy would happen and my thoughts would just go straight into "i can do this. i am doing it. i can handle more"...
so heres my recent fear. and i need to quote here to set it up. "its gonna get harder still, before it gets easy." (-jim atkins-) what if things are going to get even harder before they get better? for the last 5 or 6 months or so i FINALLY feel like im on the way up. things just feel and seem better. ive hit bottom in this situation and now im on my way back. what if, and god i hope this isnt a possibility, what if the hardest part is yet to come? my expectations now are so different. im expecting good things again. a year ago i would literally wake up expecting my day to be hard and thankless. now...i wake up and believe that good things are going to happen. they may be mixed in with bad...but theyll be there. with these new expectations come a new fear that i may not handle it as well if some sort of tragedy strikes again.
3 comments:
I am sitting here at mom's computer and the little pink sticky note on it has a message for you...It says, "if God brings you to it, he will bring you through it."
God gave you the strength to get through the dark times in your life and will be there if you need it/him again. Through the love you had for those around you, who he placed in your life, you took it day by day doing what needed to be done. Hopefully it got easier as the days and months passed? If you feel like things are getting better, then maybe they are? I think everyone who goes through rough times holds the fear that maybe they will find themselves in that situation again. Just let the hope that things will get better overshadow the fear that they won't. Days are easier when you hold on to the hope:)
Amen to what Libbey said. Sometimes I think I don't believe, but when push comes to shove, He's the one who got me through it. Sometimes we focus so much on the negative, we forget that we can see through it and a little glimmer of hope is there. Sometimes it may be dull, but it is there. Let that hope continue to give you strength and live through it one day at a time.
I'll try not to get too nerdy here but I think can contribute a little something here. It's a little off of the religious theme but it has some validity. Research into happiness has identified a few basic principles that are common for everyone in every situation. The two most basic principles are: always work toward a long term goal and find short term "moments" of happiness. In other words, only worry about the future to the extent that it can help you work toward an attainable goal and don't pass up current opportunities for simple pleasures. Don't worry about all of the things that could happen in the future over which you have no control. Just focus on a goal like becoming a great guitarist or raising happy children and then do what you can to make that happen. At the same time, don't forget to do the simple fun things. And I'm not just saying this to talk you into poker tomorrow :)
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