-the things we do deserve their rightful names-

i was talking with a friend last night. i shared that this was the 1st year in 10 years that i feel like i didn't enjoy. i said i was upset that the best i could say was that i made it through. my friend shared that he had never had a good year, that every year of his life was something he just survived. this broke my heart. for 2 reasons. first, and far more important, for my friend. i can't imagine only surviving every year of my life, always hoping and praying that things will somehow get better. so my prayer now...is that things get better for my friend. the second heart break was this: i am a wuss. i've had it hard for a year. after 10 great years of blessings, i've had one really hard year. and here i sit feeling sorry for myself. i'm not going to dismiss or downplay what this last year has been or the lingering sadness its caused, but i need to say this. there are many people out there who have endured much, much worse than i have...and theyve done it longer. and theyve complained about it a lot less. and to my shame, they have questioned God a lot less than i have. even after all God has shown me and said to me...i have to admit i have sat here in my own little mess wondering where he went, what hes doing and why he doesnt love me like he used to. because of circumstance. circumstance made by human hands. im not making promises that i will stop, or guaranteeing that today is the beginning of an unshakeable faith. i am only acknowledging that i am, at times, a faithless man, tossed back and forth by each wave that comes. and im sick of it.

i talked to another friend recently. his wife's grandma died. she had a breakdown and left him, the kids and the house. hes in shock. poor kid. i look at him and see myself a year ago. that fresh "oh my god what the @#$% is going" on feeling. why is this happening to so many people i know? the circumstances are too similar...its so scary. he told me things she was doing, things she was saying, lies she was telling, and what he was feeling in the middle of it all. i swear to you i felt like i was having a conversation with myself a year ago. he told me things that i have told other friends word for word. he said that he had a number of friends who were going through a similar situation too. so much pain this last year, for so many people! i asked him why it was happening to so many...he said, "honestly, i think its something in the water." i couldnt argue with him...my theory was that 'they're brain washing us through tv. :) is it something in the spiritual realm that has just come out of nowhere? or is it just part of life? i guess when you get married youre basically flipping on a coin.

anyways...i broke a bit last night. i havent cried in...god, months. ive just been dry. it hit me last night. i just put on my headphones and played the saddest songs i could find and finally, after months, some of it all came out. it felt really good, in a really strange way. ive had to be the strong one nonstop for over a year. it felt good to let myself admit to fear and weakness. and hurt. and i feel, at least for a minute or 2, that i really prayed. just a simple honest prayer. and maybe, just maybe, for a second i felt my faith at least slightly renewed. until the next wave anyway.