woo hoo

hey you...yeah...you. happy new year.

powerball

i decided id like to win at least $100,000 on saturdays powerball drawing. i think this is the 1st time ive bought anything that involves the lottery in like 5 years. usually im not dumb enough to think i have a chance of winning...but this time was different. ive spent the last 5 years practicing and training for this weekends big event. i felt that i was the best best powerball player in the country. its a guaranteed win right? this weeks winning numbers... 08 12 17 35 49 (pb)18 above is my 5 chance ticket. thats right kids...i didnt match a single number. NOT ONE! that should be worth something. anyways...to all of you who put down your life savings on me winning...im sorry i didnt win. but you shouldnt be gambling anyway.

funny sad

my grandma had to take an ambulance ride last night. (long story). i was there when they came to pick her up. to see how "with it" she was, the ambulance driver asked her what year it was. grandma instantly replied with "it's nineteen...........thirty seven!" and she was excited about it. i think my grandma was 2 in 1937. oh well, it must have been a good year for her cause she is apparantly still living in it...for last night anyway.

one of life's greatest moments

i turned on the news one morning before school...(this was awhile ago) the headline was "fabio hit by bird". it still makes me laugh. poor beautiful fabio. this was the first time in life that i knew there was a god...and that he had a great sense of humor.

top music videos (honerable mention)

"new noise" refused

"buddy holly" weezer

"hooked on a feeling" david hasselhoff

my top 3 music videos of all time.

"hurt" johnny cash

"ocean breathes salty" modest mouse

"a movie script ending" death cab for cutie

chase this light

"because tonight the world turned in me. because right now i dont dare to breathe."

blessings

after thinking about it today i figured i should add a little to my post about 2007. there have of course been blessings in this last year. i think anyone who has talked to me would know that i am aware of them. (the blessings). i love dylan and kleigh more than anything in the world and cant imagine life without them. they are the obvious blessings. every day one of them comes up with something new that makes me smile and makes me realize all over again why im doing what im doing.

than there are the friends and family who have supported me in various ways. thanks to all of you.

than there was me praying for months for $10,000 to help pay off some debt. thanks to my dad for falling into some money and giving me $10,000 of it. what are the odds?

the best times in my life have come out of the hardest times. 2007 has been the hardest year of my life. hopefully it leads to the best YEARS of my life.

one more...

take a look at this link... http://www.startaid.com/comment/2940893/iampabloeh.html

why are they linking to my blog as an example? arent there better things to link to?

quote from a friend

continuing on from my last uplifting blog...

i just read a friends recent post. its at http://stuffsarahsays.wordpress.com/.

she says it far better than i ever could.

"This year has been a landmark one for my family. 2007 will not go down as the one to cherish… or to be happily recounted in stories told while laughing with friends and empowered by booze. It will scrape by as one with a few laughs, a few moments of great strength, and countless tears… the year that we just had to get through. No hopes for it beyond survival."

sarah...i hope and pray 2008 is better for you too...

2007- the year of loss

it all started in 2006. the foundations were laid for 2007. and 2007 was nothing but a storm.

the storm came in waves. the first came as a miscarriage. we tried. we prayed. i think i always knew we were fighting against god himself. who am i to think we had a chance? the 2nd came as death. and this wave hit hard. mandras grandma first. than mine. january 24th we buried my grandma. it still seems like yesterday. yet it seems so long ago. so much since than has been a blur. wave after wave. somewhere in there was mono and strep all at once. in the middle of that exhaustion came the news that i wasnt the husband i was expected to be. so she left. (did you find what you were looking for somewhere else?) the hardest memories from that time are the dreams. the dreams and the surprise discoveries. (That to this day supposedly never really happened.) there was the waking up in the middle of the night and finding my arm reaching for her side of the bed. And the realizing night after night that it wasnt just a bad dream. she wasnt there. than there was kleighs adoption. so close to being wrapped up and done. stopped due to our separation. so i did what i had to do for the kids. i took responsibility for them. everyone knows what i did and why i did it. except for one. and i heard about it daily. i should not have to explain this last year to anyone. especially her. god knows i didnt choose it. yet there i sat, in the middle of my recently destroyed home explaining the whys..the hows..the whats.. i know now that it was never my job. it never will be again.

somewhere in all this theres the little waves. the "you gotta be F-ing kidding me" waves. the ones that feel like an insulting slap. theres the furnace going out during the 1st cold streak of winter. theres the hard drive on the computer crashing. these things seem so minor compared to divorce and death. but theyre just more weight on a burndened back.

so...2007 ends like this. my grandma is gone. she fell and hit her head on a table. and thats it. i wont be seeing her again. im 31 and divorced. i said i would never get divorced. never. yet here i am. life left me no choice. worse than the loss of the divorce is my loss of faith in relationships. i may never let anyone close to me again. why would i? marriage means nothing in this world. vows are a joke.

but this biggest loss of all...my faith in god. i prayed more in this last year than i have ever prayed. EVER. you can combine the other 30 years of my life and it would still be less than this one. and for what? the storm was not silenced. the loss was not lessened. comfort was not found. one thing has been clear...love has left me on my own to fight a battle i can not win.

yet somehow i will pray tonight.

and tomorrow.

so...the year in summary. 2007...the year of loss. and i for one say farewell to it. i hope and pray that 2008 is a year of healing and joy for myself, my family and my friends. many of which have had similar years to mine...in some cases even worse. so...say it with me.. fuck you 2007. im glad to see you go.

..."here's to friends and family.

here's to feelings you can't fight.

here's to comfort that you find.

here's to sleeping through the night.

i'll find my way.

it's the best that i can say.

it's the best that i can say."

merry christmas

merry christmas all! i got this outfit for kleigh for christmas. isnt she a cutie? she put it on and walked around the house for an hour telling me how cute she was. yeah, she knows it. i suppose...i need to get some sleep. back to work in the morning! stupid work.

holidays

its a strange day today. the kids are both gone for a couple days. the house is so quiet. there are no demands on my time at all. so i slept until noon for the first time in so long. i feel strangely bored. im so used to taking care of the kids. its just constant. it begins when i wake up to kleigh saying "daddy, i up" and ends when i fall asleep 10 minutes after putting kleigh to bed. i often wish i had more time for myself but when that time comes i feel bored and guilty for not taking care of them. ive become one of those dads who cant have alone time without being constantly preoccupied with how/what the kids are doing. isnt it usually the mom who gets that way? i suppose my circumstances are different though.

anyways...to my 3 readers out there. ive updated the address of this blog. it is now http://www.iampabloeh.com/ . if you punch in http://www.iampabloeh.blogspot.com/ you'll still be redirected to the right place but youll have wasted a full day of wrist and finger energy by typing those extra letters. and why would you do that to yourself? to those who want to thank me for this change, youre welcome. i did it for you.

defining moments

"there will be no more tears in heaven."

"therefore we do not lose heart. though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. for out light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. so we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. for what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

if you heard these words directly from god what would you feel? what kind of comfort would it bring? what kind of fear would it trigger?

those of you who know me well know what comfort these words have brought to me. i honestly wouldnt be around if god hadnt intervened. but heres the fear. both of these statements promise that things will be better in heaven. why does this cause fear?..because it offers no solution now. it teaches me to endure hardship, without promising an end to it in this lifetime. im having a hard time understanding the point of faith in this lifetime if faith has nothing to offer until the next.

ive spent the last year praying only to see the opposite happen. why do i keep praying?

a passing thought that chose to linger

God, when you wrote the book it should have read "boy, you're on your own."

empty house

i had the whole house to myself today for about 3 or so hours. that doesnt happen all that often. so what did i do? watched some football, cleaned the house and created these beauties: (click on each one...they move...its so exciting)

mystery

was bored tonight. so i googled "iampabloeh"...stumbled across this page. apparantly someone found mystery in one of my blog postings. enough so that they blogged about it. here it is. http://www.jordannews.com/node/413

kleigh and halloween

the year that needs to end

i havent been blogging too much on here lately. this last year has just had too much happen. too many bad things. theres too much ive wanted to say but just couldnt say on here. i dont want to step on toes. i dont want to advertise the overly personal. but i miss using this page.

its december already. unbelievable. thank god this year is almost over. i dont necessarily expect things to turn around for me just because the calendar will soon read 2008, but it cant hurt to be done with 2007. good riddance. just going through 2007 in my head is enough to make it spin. its just been a year of loss. thats the best way to put it. loss and heartache. i honestly feel like i sat back and watched a tornado tear my home apart and all i could do was pray for god to stop it. all i could do when i realized it wouldnt be stopped was to pray i would have something left when the storm finally stopped. time will tell how much i ultimately end up losing.

the good news in this is that i found out who my real friends are. a few of my friends and family members (and even strangers) stepped up in huge ways for me. thank you if that is you. (you know who you are) without you guys im not sure if i would have made it through this year. just talking and venting was enough just to at least keep me sane. so again...a genuine thank you.