-Merry Christmas, baby-

-to think of you-

this song has been a favorite of mine for a long time. its been hitting me all over again lately. "to think of you is to treasure an absent memory" by Zao. i think 1:50 to 2:20 will always give me the chills.



"when you closed your eyes,
and you fell asleep...

dark clouds descended
on the faith of the ones who held you
close to their hearts.

my heart broke.
my heart broke open..."

-yearly update-

ok. so i just got an email from google telling me that my rights to www.iampabloeh.com are about to expire if i dont fork out another 10 bucks. god forbid all 3 of you have to go back to adding the .blogspot to the end of this address. every year when i get this email i realize its been a month or so since ive posted anything and i wonder why im spending the 10 bucks a year to hold this address, but then i remember my 3 regular readers. and like i said already, god forbid... :)

so- winter has kicked in here in the last couple days. an inch or so of snow and single digit temperatures in the morning. i have nothing good to say about this. everything i want to say involves yelling and the f word...and yelling of the f word. so i will stay silent about it. for now.

chloes birthday is coming up again. she is turning 5. holy crap is all i can say about that. 2 out of 3 of you have already been invited. number 3- you live too far away to make it anyway. so no invite for you. if you want to come and i didnt invite you for whatever reason, please let me know and i will give you the details. but seriously, chloes turning 5 already?! apparently entitlement issues begin just before 5, because chloe feels that everyone owes her...and she wants it all NOW. its cute sometimes. other times it makes me wanna bash my head into a wall. which is also...cute. also if youre coming to chloes party...there is swimming involved. for those of you who are worried, i did wax my bikini zone this year so there will be less terror this year than last year. thank god, right?

hmmm. how much to say about this one? without dropping names here (god forbid i jinx this thing with blog name dropping)...i am feeling very loved, very supported and very appreciated lately. and "ahhhhh" is about all i can say about that. sometimes a female version of me comes along and makes me realize that being near someone can be the best thing in life. so thank you to a certain nameless (probably imaginary???) female version of me. after quite a few surprises that have made me feel pretty cursed, its great to have a surprise or 2 thrown at me that make me feel lucky.

and yeah- for the 1st time in years i feel like im feeling (or starting to feel) again. in some ways its a great thing. in other ways its kinda scary. my guard is down a bit. im a little more vulnerable. so- backing up to chloes entitlement issues. the other night she was acting up. just not listening. talking back. you know, being fun. it finally got to the point where she just needed to go and lay down in bed for a bit. i announced this to her and took my 1st step towards her. she blurts out, "i hate you. youre always mean to me. i dont wanna live with you anymore." i was literally knocked backwards. i just kinda fell back onto the couch and sat down in a heap. i was already having a bad day that day. i was already feeling a little hurt. but my god...that just floored me. she has never before said something like that to me. nothing even close to that. i realize now that its probably the 1st of many stabs she'll take at me while angry. and im going to have to get to the point where it doesnt bug me...or at least she thinks it doesnt bug me, but for that moment, my heart broke. it was the most hurt i have felt in years. woo hoo for feeling again! ??? :)

ok. there it is. an update of sorts. i makes no promises as far as regular updates go. life is just keeping me busy as usual. but for another year...you can find me at this address.

Things I'm Sick Of

1) H1N1: Yeah, its serious, and may get even worse. But for one day, JUST ONE DAY, I don't wanna hear about it. I have a little girl cuddled up next to me right now, asleep. I love her more than anything. I'm doing what I can to keep her healthy. My brain can only handle so many "what ifs?".

2) The Yankees: The NFL uses a salary cap and profit sharing program to make sure every team in the league has a chance to be competitive. MLB does not. The same teams are the best teams year after year after year. Which teams? The richest teams. I love baseball- but the Yankees wreck it for me at times.

3)Rainy/Dreary weather: I did NOT move to Seattle. Did I?

4)Faith based hate: You can call yourself whatever you wanna call yourself. But if your "faith" makes you feel justified in your hatred/judgement of other people/groups of people, there's something much more wrong with your faith than there is with the people you're hating/judging. If this attitude is "the light of the world", welcome to pitch black I guess. My opinion: faith, light and love have better things to do.

5)Sleep/Sleeplessness: This week has been awful for me. Is it the weather? The time of year? Stress? I can't sleep through the night. I should be asleep now but I fell asleep at 7:30 and slept until 9. Now? I'm awake. So- tonight will be another night of confused sleep patterns. The good news: I am NOT waking up in a panic at 3:33. Whew.

6)Waiting

-The Tank!-

The Tank played in Mankato on Friday night. You should have been there. But you weren't. It's a shame.

-band practice-

Chloe and I have started a band. We're warming up with a cover of "Nothing Else Matters". Here's the intro for you. I think Chloe played pretty well.

BOOO to snow!

The first dusting of snow for 2009. Chloe was excited, i was not.

The Death of Mousey

Work was pretty crazy this week. Monday was pretty average. But Monday is one of my busier days. So an average Monday is...well, busy. Tuesday was literally the slowest Tuesday I've ever had. But it worked out well because Chloe had an open house at school. So I was able to get up there and sit in with her during class. She did great. She listened. She participated. She held my hand the entire time. Have I ever mentioned how awesome she is? It blows my mind sometimes.

Anyways, where was I?..oh work. Wednesday and Thursday were literally the busiest Wednesday and Thursday I've ever had. In the middle of the running on Thursday I found what appeared to be a dead baby mouse on the ground near the back of my truck. As I walked away I noticed it moving. It must have only been a couple days old at most. Its eyes were still closed and it wasn't real good at the whole walking thing. I argued with myself for a couple minutes. "Pick it up and take it home" vs "Its a frickin mouse, leave it there." Yeah, I took it home. We've been feeding it and keeping it warm and all. I figured if it survived it could be Chloe's first pet, and if it died- well I tried anyway.

Mousey did well yesterday and most of today. I fed it with an eye dropper and made it a little home to keep it warm. Dylan and Chloe helped out too, and Chloe got pretty attached. For the 2nd half of today I could tell mousey wasn't doing very well. I warned Chloe that he might not live through the day. She just kept talking about what mousey would be like when he grew up. Sure enough- mousey died. I can't even put into words how Chloe reacted. This is tough to say but she reacted the same way I would imagine myself reacting if something happened to her. She threw her arms in the air, fell to the ground in a heap and yelled, "Noooo mousey!". She pleaded for mousey to come back. She begged me to try different things to bring him back, including a little water on his face. The sobbing and hysterical fits went on for about an hour. One of the hardest hours of my daddy life. I never thought my inability to resurrect a dead mouse would make me feel so helpless.

She helped me bury him in the back yard. She said her goodbye. 10 minutes later she grabbed a spoon and wanted to dig him up. She didn't want a bird, squirrel or dog to dig him up. "Doggies are very good diggers daddy." Then the tough questions. "Will mousey go to heaven?". "Will Grandma Virginia be nice to mousey?" "When is Jesus going to come to pick up mousey?" "What color is Jesus?" "Can I stay up to watch Jesus pick up mousey?" "Will mousey grow up in heaven?" And then, the most heart breaking statement I have ever heard in my life. She looked right at me with her tear filled blue eyes and said, "daddy, I don't want to die when I'm older."

The death of a mouse. I'm broken hearted. I'm tripping over my own theologies. I'm questioning faith and God and all that goes with it. Its a question I've always asked. And its one that's always hurt. "Why do the people (and animals) that we love so much have to die?" All this over a mouse. If only I had it left it lay there. :)

After all her mourning Chloe was obviously tired. We laid down in bed to watch some cartoons and snuggle a bit. Poor kid. Dylan was upstairs using the bathroom at the time. Why is that important? You'll see in a minute. As Chloe laid next to me I felt a drop of moisture on my chest. I thought somehow a tear had leaped over onto me. A couple seconds later, another drop. I looked up at the ceiling. Sure enough, beads of water in the seam. I jumped out of bed and ran upstairs in what would be world record time if only it had been officially timed. The toilet is running...but apparently the seal is leaking...bad. Long story short- my plans of early bed time were replaced by me working on a ****ing toilet. A ****ING TOILET! The mess is cleaned up. The toilet is as fixed as it can be and needs to be for now. I'm back in bed with a still sad Chloe. She wants to dig mousey up tomorrow to see how his bodies doing. She is not happy with me for telling her no. For tonight I feel pretty powerless.

Anyways, happy news. Chloe and I are going to watch our friend Libbey get married tomorrow. Congrats to Libbey and Roger! After the wedding I have to cruise immediately up to Minneapolis. The Weakerthans are playing at The Triple Rock. Should be a very good show. Chloe is going to stay at Mandra's for the night so I'll be able to stay up and spend some time with friends. Should be a fun day. Last weekend Chloe and I went to the Twins game with Ross and Missy on Sunday afternoon. Thanks again to Missy for the great tickets. We left the dome and drove right over to Xcel in St. Paul to watch the Wild play. Again, great seats for free. 4 rows up right next to the Wild bench. It was only a preseason game, but it was very well played and VERY hard hitting. There were 5 fights through the first 2 periods including 2 right in front of us. The fights, the hard hits into the boards just feet in front of us, the roar of the crowd, the horn when the Wild scored- I was loving it. I was fired up. Chloe HATED it. She was so scared. Her first "big hockey game" and we were just too close. The last fight left blood on the ice. I could see every drop. We were just too close for her. It was a blast, but I left after the 2nd period. Chloe just wasn't having fun.

I have blabbed on way too much. More later.

Big Girl

Chloe started preschool this week and it has led to a couple of her cutest moments. She spent a good part of Sunday explaining to me that I could no longer call her my baby. She is now "Chloe" or my "daughter". "I'm not a baby anymore daddy." This is going to be an adjustment for me.

She is going to school 4 days a week. Monday-Thursday. So far she's really liking school but is not thrilled about riding the bus. She told me last night that she's tired of seeing where all her friends live. (She's 1st on and last off) As she was falling asleep she was pleading with me, "Daddy, please ask your boss if you can leave work to pick me up at school. Tell him your daughter Chloe needs a ride home from school. Tell your boss that your daughter Chloe doesn't want to ride the bus home from school." She kept repeating the same lines over and over again until she finally fell asleep mid-sentence. Soooo cute- part of me wanted to tear up, part of me wanted to just laugh. So I did both. (And for the record...i did make it today to pick her up. The problem now: she'll want me to every day. Most days i just can't. But FOR TODAY- i did.)

I saw a pretty serious accident today. A truck rear ended a car that was turning off of the highway. So my plea- please drive safe! Put plenty of distance between you and the car ahead of you and never take your eye off the road. This truck was following too close and obviously not paying enough attention. So when the car slowed to turn. He hit it. At like 50 MPH. 2 people were hurt pretty bad. Anyways- be safe. A split second can make a huge difference. Sermon over.

Dylan is sick. Everyone else in the house is ok so far. Hopefully that keeps up. (NOT Dylan being sick...bad wording on my part)

Ps...I barely got there in time to get Chloe today. I walked in as they were walking to the bus. She was talking to her teacher, "daddy's boss must have said he couldn't come get me." She was so disappointed. Her teacher noticed me walking up and said, "Chloe, look who's here." Chloe was so excited. Her reaction made my 9 hours of working without a break well worth it.

Blah to Sunday

Welp- Kim and Andy got married last night and all seemed to go very well. The photographer was a bit of a dink and everyone wanted to punch him in the sac. But other then THAT, it all went very well. Congrats to Kim and Andy!

Chloe just shut the door of my bedroom a little too hard. The mirror fell off the door and hit her in the head. It of course shattered (the mirror, NOT her head) and there was glass everywhere. Poor Chloe was terrified. She's not hurt at all, thank God. But she was pretty spooked. Cleaning up all that glass was of course no fun but I was sooo relieved that she wasn't hurt that it didn't seem too bad.

Hmmm. I'm not gonna get into this too deeply but...weddings bum me out. Chloe had a blast, and that was fun to watch. I literally had to carry her off the dance floor because she did not want to leave. It was cute watching her try to do all the wedding dances. I dunno- I'm sick of doing things "alone". Day to day stuff and bigger events- like weddings. I'm sick of being alone. But at the same time I'm not going to let myself be with someone just to be with someone. I'd rather be alone than with the wrong person. I just want to meet the "right" person. But honestly, I'm not even sure how to define that anymore.

Its labor day weekend. So no work tomorrow. Chloe and I went to Sibley Park today and fed the animals. It was fun. We're just being lazy in front of the TV now. I promised her we'd walk across the street to the park in a bit here. Just a lazy Sunday so far. I have to run my tux over to PeterTown at some point. But I have nothing too ambitous planned for the rest of the weekend. It feels good to have this extra day to...well, not work.

Have a great, safe weekend all!